dark humor

Avenue Q is funny as $#!T!

2011-12-04T18:14:00.000-08:00

The new Muppets movie is out right now, but if you want to see puppets being profane and obscene, then you should go see "Avenue Q". I went to see 'Avenue Q" last week and it was very entertaining. If you don't believe me, then watch this clip from the musical:

R.I.P. Patrice O'neal

2011-12-04T17:40:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. to one of my favorite comedians ever - Patrice O'neal. He passed away last week due to complications from a stroke he suffered in late October. I became a fan of Patrice when I first heard him on the "Opie & Anthony" show on WNEW ten years ago. His brilliant mind, social commentary and infectious laugh made me of fan and follower of his career. I watched his TV shows like "Web Junk 20" on VH1, TV appearances on "Late Night with David Letterman," and his stand-up comedy specials like "Elephant in the Room." I even went to see him live in person at Caroline's Comedy Club with my friend. He was hilarious that night. He will be missed. Gone, but not forgotten. R.I.P. Patrice O'neal.

Subway train

2011-06-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

I really can't stand riding the subway train anymore. There's crazy, annoying, and dirty people on the subway train. And it's not just one day, it's every day. It's like Resident Evil. Last week I'm on the train and I feel someone kissing me on the neck. It felt so good. I thought which ever girl is doing that I'm going to propose to her right on the spot. So, I turn around and a dirty homeless dude with rotten teeth is smiling at me. I gave him a tiger uppercut. Damn homeless dude was munching on my neck like he's Edward from "Twilight." Disgusting! If there was some way I could ride on top of the subway train instead of in it, that would be heaven. I can't stand being next to these crazy people in the train. Below are some example videos of just what I experience or encounter on the subway train from time to time:

THE BEST DAMN REALITY SHOW INTRO EVER!!!!

2011-06-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

This is the intro from MTV's seventeen season of Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel II. The cast looked more focused doing the Haka ritual dance than they did on the actual challenges. I get excited every time I watch this. The best fuckin' reality show intro in the history of television. Why can't more reality shows begin their shows like this.

Sour Sixteen: Celebrity Faces That Make Us Nauseous

2011-03-26T18:56:00.000-07:00

Marilyn Manson - hideous with and without make-up

It's been a while but I'm back with a new post. This post may scare or disgust you. From Marilyn Manson's freakish looking face to Joan River's cartoon character face, here are sixteen celebrity faces that make you want to puke in your mouth:

http://www.starpulse.com/news/Maccorley_Mathieu/2011/03/21/celebrity_faces_that_make_you_want_to_

Halloween=Lots of Candy=Bad Teeth

2010-10-31T14:43:00.001-07:00

To all you kids out there going trick-or-treating this Halloween night, don't eat too much candy or your teeth will look like this guy's:

HAPPY ALL HALLOW'S DAY!!!

Celebrities You Wouldn't Want As Substitute Teachers

2010-09-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan passed out drunk

Here's a list of some celebrities you wouldn't want substitute teaching your child:

http://www.starpulse.com/news/Maccorley_Mathieu/2010/09/10/celebrities_you_wouldnt_want_as_substi

WARNING TO ALL THE IDIOTS OUT THERE!

2010-07-03T06:36:00.000-07:00

This July 4th don't play with illegal fireworks or this may happen to you :

Have a safe Independence Day!

Ultimate Surrender

2010-06-27T13:57:00.000-07:00

Wow! Now that's fuckin' hot!

A few months back, I came upon one of the coolest websites I've ever seen. The site features naked women competing in wrestling matches and fondling each other in the process. The losers of these matches get fucked by the winners, who are wearing strap-on dildos. If you enjoy lesbians, sex, and wrestling, then this site is for you. Check out the videos below and visit UltimateSurrender.com. The WWE is no match for this wrestling organization.

Male Celebrities Who Fathered Illegitimate Children

2010-06-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

Father's Day is just a couple of days away and we've decided to compile a list of male celebrities who have had children out of wedlock with their mistresses or random women they met at a club. Some of these male celebrities have denied paternity and even.....read more.

Female Celebrities Cheat Too!

2010-04-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

The faces of cheaters and husband stealers.

Male celebrities like Tiger Woods and Jesse James aren't the only ones who have cheated on their partners. Female celebrities have done it too. Here are some cheating female celebrities who are just as guilty when it comes to infidelity:

http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2010/04/09/female_celebrities_cheat_too

Top Ten Most Offensive TV Shows Ever!

2010-03-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

Read this article on the Top Ten Most Offensive Tv Shows Ever:

http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2010/03/16/
top_ten_most_offensive_tv_shows_ever

Do or Die on V-Day!

2010-02-13T13:58:00.000-08:00

Guys, our national holiday (The Super Bowl) was last Sunday. This Sunday is the official holiday for all women. Women look forward to Valentine's Day like it's their birthday. They expect gifts, a card, and more gifts. If you just bring yourself without any gifts, then you better start looking for a new girlfriend. Women will not tolerate any stupidity and irresponsibility on their second birthday. They want you to show them some love by giving them a gift that makes them feel special and important. Just saying "I Love You" isn't going to do it. You have to buy her some flowers, chocolate, and something expensive like a gold necklace. Don't buy her something cheap like a bracelet from a toy machine. She'll hit you over the head with that toy bracelet. If you haven't already, withdraw some money from your bank account and go shopping at Wal-Mart. Because if you don't buy your woman gifts on Valentine's Day, this is what's going to happen to you:

If you think that's bad, this is worse:

Don't let this happen to you on Valentine's Day!

The Next William Hung

2010-01-29T22:38:00.000-08:00

The Asian kid in this YouTube can't sing for shit. He couldn't sing if his life depended on it. In this video, he's singing Blackeyed Peas song "Boom Boom Pow." He sounds like William Hung and Steve Urkel. Go to the link below to listen and watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UI36i6--mA

Celebrity New Year's Resolutions for 2010

2010-01-01T20:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2009/12/31/celebrity
_new_year_s_resolutions_for_2010

Tiger Woods Cheated, So What!

2009-12-11T22:40:00.000-08:00

Everybody thinks Tiger Woods is wrong for cheating on his wife with several different women. I think he's right! He's Tiger Woods. He's rich, famous, and good looking. Women want to bang him and his bank account. He has all these women swarming over him like flies on shit. How can he pass up the opportunity to bang all these women? If I was rich and famous like Tiger and had all these women over me, I'd have sex with them too, even if I had a wife. I'd cheat on my wife everyday. I'd cheat right in front of her. I don't care!

We would never have known that Tiger Woods was a cheater if all these women didn't snitch on him. Bunch of tattletales! All these women are coming out of the woodwork like cockroaches to tell the media they had sex with Tiger. Tiger Woods picked the wrong girls to cheat with. He should've did his research and found girls who would've kept their mouths shut after banging him and going on special vacations. He should've cheated with hookers, although some of these women are hookers because they got money and gifts for having sex with him. Maybe he should've made them sign a court approved Confidentiality agreement.

Some of this is Tiger's fault. If he had a special phone with all these girl's phone numbers locked in a safe, his wife would've never found out and wouldn't had beaten him up on Thanksgiving. I'll never get caught cheating on my girlfriend or wife. I'm going to be like James Bond when I cheat. I'm going to wear special shoes to sneak out of the house at night when she's sleeping. I'm going to have a monitor that alarms me when she wakes up and doesn't see me in bed. That's when I rush back to the house with my rocket propeller backpack and tell her I went to walk the dog, even though we don't have a dog. I'll keep every girl's phone number stored in a secret database computer where I can access it at my secret headquarters under the house.

Celebrity Thankfuls

2009-11-24T20:58:00.000-08:00

With Thanksgiving just a couple of days away, celebrities are giving thanks and sharing the things they're thankful for this year. Here are some celebrity thankfuls:

Lady Gaga

"First, I'm thankful for Madonna letting me copy her style from the 80's. I'm also thankful for all the fans buying my album and wearing earplugs while listening to it. And last but not least, I want to thank myself for being such a talented male singer."

Megan Fox

"I'm thankful for my role in Transformers because if it wasn't for that movie, I'd be another socialite like Kim Kardashian. I'm also thankful for all my fans supporting and standing by me as I said some of the dumbest things in the history of entertainment ."

Taylor Swift

"I'm thankful for Kanye West interrupting my award acceptance speech at the VMAs. If he hadn't done that, nobody in the world would know who the hell I am."

Cast from Twilight

"We're thankful for teenage girls making vampire movies popular again. Of course we know that these teen girls go to see our movie mainly because of Robert and Taylor. But we don't give a shit because they are putting money in our pockets."

Alex Rodriguez

"I'm thankful for Kate Hudson being my lucky charm in finally winning the World Series. I'll try to stay with her and not cheat on her so the Yankees can win more championships."

Miley Cyrus

"I'm thankful for performing around a stripper's pole at the Teen Choice Awards. I look forward to pursuing a career in stripping very soon. I'm also thankful for leaving Twitter because there were a lot of pedophiles following me."

Lil Wayne

"I'm thankful for having my 10th child this year. I'm also thankful for all the fans downloading my music even though they can't understand a word I'm saying."

Chris Brown

"I'm thankful for not serving a long jail sentence for hitting Rihanna. I would've been the abused bitch in jail. I'm also thankful Rihanna didn't hit me with her umbrella."

Tila Tequila

"I'm thankful for the internet because it allows me to get naked, drunk, and rant about things people don't give a fuck about. I'm also thankful for dumping Shawne Merriman. Just because everybody wants to punch me in the face, it doesn't give him the right to do it."

Carrie Prejean

"I'm thankful for my sex video potentially being released on the internet because I'm not going to become famous from just writing a dumb book."

Levi Johnston

"I'm thankful for getting Sarah Palin's daughter pregnant and hopefully becoming the next Brad Pitt. I'm also thankful for not showing my little Johnston in Playgirl. I don't want the ladies to laugh at me."

Oprah

"I'm thankful for ruling television and the world. I'm also thankful for my mind control powers which made celebrities like Whitney Houston, Mike Tyson, and Mackenzie Phillips reveal their deepest, darkest secrets on my show."

Nudists

2009-10-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

Nudists are crazy! They walk naked around children. How the hell do you walk around naked with children nearby? Do you know how traumatic that is? I went blind when I first saw my grandma naked. Imagine how these kids are suffering by the sight of these naked old people at these nude beaches. The sight of saggy breasts and wrinkled balls can stunt a kid's growth or make him mentally retarded. I would never go to one of those nudists outings with kids around. First of all, I would feel like a pedophile seeing all those naked children. Second, my big black penis would scare them. Kids would see my junk and run away from me like I'm Bigfoot. That's why black guys stay away from nude beaches. They don't want anyone to pass out and faint by the sight of their cocks.
I don't know how these nudists don't get aroused at these naturist clubs. I can't even take my clothes off without getting a boner. I have a boner right now and I'm not even naked. If I went to one of those nudist resorts, I'd be harder than a diamond. I'd walk around with an erection everywhere – near the pool and near the food. My banana is bigger than that banana on the table!
I wish nudist resorts were allowed to women only. All men, except for me, should be banned from being nude in public. There's nothing worse than going to a nudist resort and being invited to play tackle football on the beach with a bunch of naked dudes. Ugh! I'd rather play beach volleyball with the naked old ladies instead.
These nudists have the nerve to ride horses on the beach with no clothes on. You can't put your smelly bare ass on a horse! That's close to animal abuse. Just because the horse can't talk doesn't mean it's okay with you riding it butt naked. If I were that horse, I'd throw your nudist ass to the grass. And run you over like the Belmont Stakes.

Faces of Horror and Hilarity

2009-09-22T14:10:00.001-07:00

I came upon this YouTube video a month ago. It's the trailer for Orgasm! The Faces of Ecstasy which was released in 2004. It's a documentary that depicts the faces of several men and women pleasuring themselves to the point of climax. The documentary captures these individuals from the neck up. So, you don't get to see their genitals or techniques in the video. But the faces that some of these people make as they are having an orgasm are hilarious and scary at the same time. One guy looks like he's just been tasered. Watch the video below to see for yourself:

Orgasm! The Faces of Ecstasy

Craziest Athletes of All Time

2009-09-22T13:54:00.001-07:00

From Stephon Marbury to Mike Tyson. Here are the craziest athletes of all-time:
http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2009/09/15/craziest_athletes_of_all_time

Stephon Marbury Eats Vaseline

Not the Sweetest Taboo

2009-09-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

Not long ago I was watching a documentary on TV about "Genetic Sexual Attraction" between long-lost siblings who met each other as adults. There was one brother and sister couple who were expressing their love for each other and kissing on camera. It was disgusting. They even have children together which is even more disgusting. If you're going to have a child with a blood relative, at least have it with a second cousin or someone like that. But not with your brother or sister. Their attraction to each other made me want to vomit in my mouth. I can't even imagine being attracted to my sister and making out with her. Me and my sister don't even hug. I would rather get molested by a lion than make out with my sister. I feel sorry for those kids that the couple have. You know those kids are going to be retarded. History has shown that the chances of two blood relatives having perfectly normal children is slim. And I feel sorry for the grandparents. Those grandparents are pulling the hair out of their heads and wanting to go to their graves early.
I'm sure everyone in some point of their life has had fantasies about a relative. That's natural. But when you act on those fantasies and have sex with a relative, that's when it's just wrong. Most people played the game "doctor" as kids. Most of the time the only kids that were available to play doctor was a close relative. Then all you kids played doctor and you end up seeing your cousin's vagina and she sees your little penis. Anything more than that is a memory that will live in your head forever.
There are times when you meet someone hot at a family gathering and you want to bang the crap out of them. Then you find out they're one of your cousins on your mother's side of the family. These situations usually occur at a family wedding or funeral. Some people don't care and they go ahead and have sex with that relative even though they just found out they're related. These people are out of their damn minds!

Summer Heat

2009-07-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

The thing that I can't stand about the Summer is the heat. It's hot as hell in the Summertime. The temperature tops out at 90°. You need three air conditioners and some Kool-Aid to stay cool. And it doesn't matter how much deodorant you put on. Once you step outside in that heat, the deodorant is gone. After three hours in the sun you smell like a dead cat. In the summer, the heat makes my balls sweat. When I get home and take off my underwear, it's soaked in ball sweat. The hot weather in the Summer also makes you thirsty. One time I drank two 3 liter sodas all by myself in three minutes. People outside were looking at me like I was selfish. They saw me drinking those big bottles of soda all to myself and they wanted some. If they're thirsty, they should just go drink pee pee because I'm not sharing my sodas with anybody.
Even though I don't like the hot weather in the Summer, I do like the way it makes girls dress. Girls dress sexy in the Summertime. They wear tank tops, short shorts, and sandals that show off their pretty painted feet. It's hard not to get an erection when you look at them. When I look at them, my penis gets bigger and rips my pants like the Incredible Hulk.

These girls seem to be enjoying the Summer heat.

Held back

2009-06-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

This kid just found out that he'll be repeating the 8th grade for the third year in a row.

In a couple weeks school kids will be getting their final report cards. Some kids will be disappointed when they find out that they’ll be repeating the same grade in the fall. If these kids weren’t on Myspace, Facebook, or Twitter all night, maybe they would be moving on to the next grade. Oh well!
There was nothing worse on the last day of school than finding out you’ve been left back. I’ve never been left back before, but I have friends who have been. I have friends right now who are still in elementary school. They’re still learning their ABC’s. I have one friend who’s been left back so many times in high school, he has a son right now who’s in the same grade with him.
Kids were mean in school. They would make fun of the kid who got left back every time they saw him. I felt sorry for the kid. We were in the fourth grade and he was still in kindergarten.
There was one time in the third grade when I was almost held back. The teacher told me on the last day of school that I was missing homework and I would have to repeat the third grade again. I was panicking. I didn’t want to go home and tell my parents that I was getting left over. My dad would beat my ass if I ever came home and told him that. So, in a desperation move, I went and had a one on one talk with Mrs. Wauters after school. No one was around and the classroom was empty. It was only me and Mrs. Wauters. So then I pulled a condom out of my pocket and had sex with her. After that, she changed her mind and passed me over to the next grade.

My Ass

2009-04-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture of my nice round ass:

It's Sexy isn't it? Actually, this is not my ass. It's an anonymous ass of a woman. It does kind of look like my ass though.

T and A

2009-02-14T01:58:00.000-08:00

The most important thing on Valentine's Day is not the flowers and candy, it's T and A. Tits and Ass. Two of the most beautiful words in my porn dictionary. Everybody loves Tits and Ass. They're our new national pastime. How can you not love Tits and Ass? Those are the two best things in the world next to pussy. Everywhere you look, Tits and Ass are there. On TV, on the internet, on your bed. It's like they're following you around everywhere you go. And when you see them, you get horny and jerk off. Even in public. What makes Tits and Ass so magical? I'll tell you.

Let's start with Tits. Tits have been in our face since we were toddlers. That was our introduction to them. As we grew older, we saw them on TV and in magazines. They made us reach our first orgasm when we were nine. Tits became magical to you when you saw them up close and personal by a girl other than your sister. That changed your whole life right there. From that point on you swore that one day you'll get your hands on them and even suck them if you have the chance. When you're a grown man, you've studied Tits so much that you know whether a girl's breasts are real or fake. You don't even need X-ray vision to figure it out. Next to your dog, Tits become your best friend and they are more special than anything on this earth.
Tits are beautiful because they come in different shapes and sizes. Almost like fruits. Some girls have Watermelon Titties, while other girls have Appleseed Titties. Just like any fruit, you want to suck those Titties and nibble on those hard nipples. It's hard to resist sucking on a Titty when it's in your face and staring at you like a puppy that wants to be petted. If you don't want to suck Titties when they're in your face, you can always box them like a punching bag. When we don't have Titties in our face and sucking them like grapefruits, they're hiding in a fuckin' bra. The bra is the worst invention ever. Whoever invented it should rot in hell. Fuck the bra! But sometimes it is hot to look at a girl wearing a bra because those Tits look like they're playing hide n' go seek. Some look like they're going to pop out. The sexiest part of the Titty is the nipple. When girls are wearing tight shirts or blouses, you can see the nipples pointing through. That's so sexy. It makes you want to jerk off even harder.

Now Ass doesn't have the aura that Tits have, but it does have the presence. As little kids, we were taught that our Ass was dirty and we should always wash it. We were spanked on our ass as toddlers. As adults, people make fun of our Ass. But the Ass is unique. Like Tits, Ass comes in different shapes and sizes too. Some look like basketballs, and some look like beach balls. Some girls can make their Ass jiggle, and some can make it bounce. Some can even make it clap like two hands. The best part of Ass is the strength. Some Asses can be soft like a pillow. Others can be hard enough to break your dick. When you see a girl wearing a thong or underwear, you want to smack that ass. It looks so good. When you see a girl with a big Ass, you want to tear that Ass up. You want to destroy it like it's a Supervillain. Those delicate butt cheeks are calling for a slapping. The dirty part of the Ass is the Asshole. Even though you can't see it when a girl is wearing clothes or underwear, you can only imagine.

Both Tits and Ass are important things in our world today. There should be a holiday honoring both. Until then, T and A reign supreme over everything, except Vagina. Hail T and A!

Big Wet Tits! Just how I like them.

Big Oily Ass. Yummy to my tummy.

Ann Coulter is the Antichrist!

2009-01-11T00:32:00.000-08:00

This devil doesn't wear Prada. It can't afford it.

The Antichrist has finally arrived, and his name is Ann Coulter. This thin masculine middle age bitch thinks she's more perfect than God. She thinks everything revolves around her, and she never thinks she's wrong. Whether it's criticizing 9/11 widows, making Anti-Semitic remarks, or accusing all Muslims of being terrorists, Ann Coulter makes outlandish statements for the pure sake of shocking and appalling the public. I don't understand how a political commentator with a college degree can say so many stupid things. Some of the things she says appear to be jokes that aren't very funny. Ann Coulter is either trying to be a stand-up comic, or she really is just an idiot who knows nothing about politics or our society. Everytime I see him or her on TV, I want to take the Television set and throw it out the window onto a parked car. She talks more shit than Rev. Al Sharpton. I'm suprised nobody hasn't punched her in the face yet. If I were interviewing her, I would take a rock and smash her head with it. I would do everybody else a favor and shut this bitch up. She is currently doing the talk show circuit to promote her new book. Everyone should buy that book and wipe their asses with it. I'll buy her book, wipe my ass with it, and send it back to the publisher. Last week she was on Inside Edition making negative remarks about the Obama family. She said that the media kissed Obama's ass during the election and that's why he won. She also said that Michelle Obama is copying Jackie Kennedy Onassis' dress style. Ann Coulter doesn't seek to amaze me. All she wants is attention and that's exactly what the media continues to give her. Well I'm not giving this bitch any more attention on this blog. All I have to finally say is: Ann Coulter is a cunt!

Celebrity New Year Resolutions for 2009

2009-01-01T23:11:00.000-08:00

Here are some New Year’s resolutions from your favorite celebrities for 2009:

Michael Phelps

1. Go into hiding and remain underwater until the 2012 Olympics in London.
2. Star as Aquaman in the Aquaman movie.
3. Sell my 8 gold medals on Ebay if I go broke from this bad economy.

Amy Winehouse

1. Get my Grammy award back that I gave to a local drug dealer for some crack.
2. Write a sequel to my hit song 'Rehab' titled 'Back to Rehab.'
3. Become an American citizen to party and get high with Lindsay Lohan.

Ashley Dupree

1. Apologize in person to Governor Eliot Spitzer’s wife and hope she doesn’t drop kick me.
2. Start a singing career and come out with an album nobody will ever buy.
3. Open my own brothel and call it Client 69.
4. Get President Barack Obama’s phone number.

O.J. Simpson

1. Escape from prison and kill the guy who framed me.
2. Find Nicole’s killers.
3. Make prank calls to the Goldmans.

Plaxico Burress

1. Carry around a toy gun so I won’t shoot myself in the leg next time.
2. Call the New York Giants and tell them to hold a spot for me in the lineup when I get out of prison.
3. Share a cell with Michael Vick.

Lindsay Lohan

1. Start acting in bad movies again.
2. Run over the paparazzi with the car from Herbie Fully Loaded.
3. Get married to my boyfriend Samantha Ronson.

Miley Cirus

1. Dump my relationship with the Disney Channel because I don’t need them anymore.
2. Become more popular than Britney Spears.
3. Get pregnant.

Sarah Palin

1. Strangle Tina Fey for ruining my chances as Vice President of the United States.
2. Star in my own talk show since Oprah doesn’t want me on hers.
3. Put Senator John McCain in a retirement home.
4. Show my daughters how to use birth control.

Tina Fey

1. Kidnap Sarah Palin and disguise myself as her to run for president in 2012.
2. Have Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan kicked off of 30 Rock so I can be the main star.
3. Buy NBC once I become a huge star.

Brangelina

1. Adopt more kids from all over the world.
2. Send a picture of our happy family to Jennifer Aniston to make her jealous.
3. Run for President and Vice President in eight years.

My Christmas Wish List

2008-12-06T23:23:00.000-08:00

This year I want a lot of stuff for Christmas. I've made a wish list and I've sent a copy to Santa just in case. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was in high school. If the things on my wish list magically appear on Christmas morning, in my living room, I'll start believing in Santa Claus again. Until then, I'm still doubtful whether there is a Santa Claus, and I can only hope that I get what I've wished for. Here's my wish list for Christmas:

Million dollars

I could sure use a million dollars, especially during this recession. I would spend my million dollars wisely. I'd spend it on a mansion, girls, parties, and Pay-Per View. I would give to charity too. Maybe.

Helicopter

Having a helicopter would make my life so much easier. No more waiting for the bus. No more hour long subway rides. No more speed walking to a place I have to be in five minutes. I would just get into my helicopter and fly to to that place. I could also fly to other states. I would love to visit Hollywood. I could also make grand entrances at parties by landing my helicopter in front of the club. And then I'd get arrested.

Scarlett Johansson & Christina Milian

It's no secret that I love these two girls. I want to have a three some with both of them. And I want to get both of them pregnant....at the same time. Getting them for Christmas would be better than winning a million dollars.

New York Giants playoff tickets

The Giants are the best team in the NFL right now. They're going to the playoffs for the fourth year in a row and I want tickets. I've been to a Yankee game and a Knick game, but I've never been to a Giant game. I need to see the reigning Superbowl champs defend their title. Where's those damn ticket scalpers when you need them. If I do get the chance to go to a Giant playoff game, maybe Plaxico Burress will be sitting next to me watching with the fans. I hope he's not carrying a loaded gun this time.

DeLorean time machine

The car that Marty McFly used to time travel to the past in Back to the Future. I've always wanted one of these ever since I was a little kid. If I ever got this time machine, I would go back into the past and give Hitler an ass whooping of a lifetime. I would also go back in time and run over the 9/11 terrorists. I would also like to go back in time to meet Marilyn Monroe. Then I would have sex with her.

Times Square

I would love to have Times Square for one day all to myself. I could go buy some stuff, go eat, watch a play without tourists crowding the streets and blocking my path. And I wouldn't have to see the Naked cowboy playing a tune in front of me in his underwear. I would look at the buildings all around me and take a nap right in the center of Times Square. Hopefully a bird doesn't shit on my head while I'm sleeping.

Strip club

Times Square is home to a few strip clubs. Strip clubs are the best. They say dogs are man's best friends, no they're not. Strip clubs are man's best friends. The strippers at these clubs make you feel like a legend. They dance for you and perform magic tricks on your lap. I would love to have a strip club in my house. If I had one, I would never leave my house.

Super powers

Everyone wishes they had super powers. Super powers give you an advantage over everyone else. I've always wanted super powers ever since I was a toddler. I want to have x-ray vision, invisibility, or super strength. X-ray vision would allow me to look through girl's clothes. That would be better than watching porn. Invisibility would allow me to sneak into a Giants playoff game or a girl's apartment. Super strength would allow me to have sex for more than five minutes. Sex would last for hours. I'd be Superman!

Barack Obama coin

These Barack Obama coins are being sold everywhere. I've seen them advertised on infomercials, commercials, newspapers, and magazines. These coins are collectible items. I want one of these Obama coins. I want one so I can save and show to my kids in the future or sell it on eBay. Maybe that's how I can get a million dollars.

Xbox 360

This is the one item on this list that I know I'm definitely getting. The others are up in the air. Let's see what Santa thinks about my wish list:

CELEBRITY THANKFULS

2008-11-24T00:29:00.001-08:00

With Thanksgiving just a few days away, celebrities are giving thanks and sharing the things that they are thankful for. Here are some celebrity thankfuls:

Amy Winehouse

"I is thankful for being clean and sober now. This year was a bloody mess for me. Me thinks that next year will be splendid and terrific. Me will try to stay away from the dope and the dealer. But never say never. Life is rubbish without the pipe in me hands (smoking crack)."

O.J. Simpson

"I'm thankful for the support I've received in prison from the other convicts. They're very nice to me. No one has tried to have sex with me yet. These guys look up to me. I don't know why. I'm also thankful to the police officials who continue to search for Nicole's Killer. Nicole deserves justice and her murderer needs to rot in hell (gulp)."

SOON TO BE EX-PRESIDENT BUSH

"I'm thankful for the citizens of the United States of North America for electing me to 8 terms. It's been fun, but now I have to step down. Borat Obama will be a great president. This continent is in good hands. Alright I have to go now. I'm going to Disney World."

SARAH PALIN

"I'm thankful for Barack Obama winning the election. Now I get to run for president in 2012. I'm also thankful for Senator John McCain choosing me as his running mate, even though he didn't really want to. Maybe on Thanksgiving he can come over to the house and enjoy some good ol' cooking with my husband and kids, and my teenage daughter and her kids. But his staff isn't invited."

MILEY CYRUS

"I'm thankful for all my fans and my 30 year old boyfriend for supporting me and giving me the strength to perform and succeed. I'm also thankful for all the pedophiles who watch Hannah Montana and made it the number one show on the Disney Channel. Is there anything else I'm thankful for? I guess my dad."

JOHN MCCAIN

"I'm thankful for all the support and the votes I received in the election. Without those votes, I wouldn't have stood a chance. I'm not thankful for choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate. I blame Sarah Palin and Tina Fey for ruining my chances as the next president of the United States. I'm thankful to Florida. Even though I didn't win that state, I still plan on retiring there - tomorrow."

BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE

"We're thankful for adopting beautiful children from other countries. Let's face it, the children in this country are not that attractive to look at, like us. We're also thankful for not allowing Jennifer Aniston into our house. We've got electric fences to keep her jealous ass away from us."

HILLARY CLINTON

"I'm thankful for Sarah Palin not getting into office. Now the media can focus on a real female politician. I'm also thankful for Barack Obama selecting me as Secretary of State. Now I will finally get my revenge on Obama and put vodka in his coffee. He'll be the first black and drunk president."

PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK OBAMA

"I'm thankful for America making the right decision and choosing me as the 44th president of the United States. America wants change and America will get it. But America, what I didn't tell you is that change takes time. Change may come in three or four years. It took ten years before the Tampa Bay Rays finally made the playoffs. If we want to make the playoffs, we have to be patient. Yes we can. Yes we can wait! I'm also thankful to Oprah. I didn't forget about you Oprah. Call me."

THE ECONOMY

"I'm thankful for being barely alive right now. I'm on life support, but hopefully I can make a full recovery. I'm thankful to the people of America for kicking the Republicans out of office. They did this to me. And so did those greedy companies and banks. President-elect Obama, you have to save me or else I'll die motherfucker. SAVE ME!!!"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

The most annoying TV ad ever!

2008-11-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

'Saved by Zero' Toyota TV ad

Toyota’s 'Saved by Zero' TV ad may be the most annoying TV ad ever. If you haven’t seen the ad, let me tell you about it. In the ad, a giant red zero moves around the screen while revealing different types of Toyota cars. The ad also features an annoying jingle with the lines 'Saved by Zero' repeated over and over again. They run the ad every fifteen minutes during commercials on every channel. The jingle stays in your head for days, even weeks. I've seen the ad so many times, I just can’t get the jingle out of my head. Every time I try to think about something, that Saved by Zero jingle erases that thought. I try to have a conversation with someone and I can’t focus on what that person is saying because 'Saved by Zero' is playing in my head. I tried to do a crossword puzzle today, but all my answers were Saved by Zero. Toyota has to stop airing this ad. It’s affecting me and millions of other people. The ad is supposed to offer customers a zero-percent financing rate on Toyota models. But here’s the problem, NO one is buying Toyota cars right now. People are broke. So stop it Toyota. Stop airing that damn ad with that damn catchy jingle. I’m not playing around. I will destroy every Toyota car that I see on the street if this continues. Don’t play with me Toyota!

If you want to see how annoying this ad is, watch the videos below:

'Saved By Zero' TV ad

'Saved by Zero' kills

Here's a TV ad that's not annoying. I like it because it makes me want to have sex on a train:

Amtrak Acela - Destinations

The Greatest Horror Movie Serial Killer Of All-Time

2008-10-20T00:36:00.000-07:00

Who is the greatest Horror movie serial killer of all-time?

This may be the toughest question to answer since the question "Is Michael Jackson Black or White?" There have been many great horror movies with great serial killers. Some of them include the mysterious tape in the Ring, death in Final Destination, and Lindsay Lohan in Herbie Fully Loaded. Alright, I know Herbie Fully Loaded wasn't a horror movie and Lindsay Lohan wasn't a serial killer in it. But I do know people who did die from watching that horrible movie. So technically, that movie is a horror movie and Lohan's performance in that movie killed hundreds of people who watched it. Therefore Linday Lohan is a serial killer. Anyway, there are six main serial killers who come to mind when we think of horror movies. They are:

Freddy Krueger
(Nightmare on Elm Street)

Able to kill you in your own dreams, Freddy Krueger is one of the scariest and ugliest horror movie serial killers of all-time. With his Wolverine claws, Cosby sweater, and Indiana Jones hat, Freddy Krueger killed many people through their dreams in Nightmare on Elm Street. But he was funny in doing it. He's the only comedian I know who really "Killed".

Jason Voorhees
(Friday the 13th)

Jason is one of my favorite horror movie serial killers for two reasons: One is that he always chased half-nude teenage girls through the woods. This was my favorite part of the movie because as a little kid I enjoyed seeing teenage girl boobies. Second, Jason was versatile in the weapons he used to kill. He could kill with an axe, or a machete, or a chainsaw. There was one Friday the 13th movie where he killed this girl with a sheet of Loose leaf paper. He paper cut her to death.

Michael Myers
(Halloween)

Before there was O.J. Simpson, there was Michael Myers. Michael Myers could kill three people at the same time just with a Kitchen knife. Myers made the kitchen knife a popular utensil in America. He inspired many Kitchen knife infomercials. He also inspired O.J. Simpson to retire from the NFL and kill his ex-wife and her male friend. Thanks a lot Michael Myers.

Ghostface
(Scream)

Ghostface is a serial killer from the Scream movies. More than one person dresses up as Ghostface and kills people in the Scream films. The Ghostface costume is made up of half ghost, half grim reaper. Many kids on Halloween dress up as Ghostface. Many of them then disappear.

Chucky
(Child's Play)

Chucky is a doll inhabited by the soul of a serial killer. Chucky attempts to transfer his soul back to a human body, his toy keeper who is a child. When he is unsuccesful at doing that, he tries to kill the child and anyone who stands in his path. Chucky made me fear dolls as a little kid. I was scared to have my parents buy me a Cabbage Patch kid because I thought it might try to kill me. But I got over my fear of dolls. I started collecting Barbie dolls soon after.

Jigsaw
(Saw)

Another one of my favorite horror movie serial killers, Jigsaw is a dying man who entraps his victims in deadly devices and scenarios which are "games" for the victim to figure out how to pass. The rules of the game are recorded by Jigsaw on an audio or video tape for the victim to listen to. The victim usually self mutiliates themself in order to get out of the trap. Jigsaw has a doll or puppet that antagonizes his victims with his voice. I sure wouldn't want to be in one of Jigsaw's traps. I'd rather get gang banged by a bunch of senior citizens than be in one of those traps.

Who out of these six horror movie serial killers above do you think deserves to be crowned "The greatest horror movie serial killer of all-time"? Vote below and decide.

HAVE A SAFE HALLOWEEN BITCHES!

THE MAZE

2008-10-13T00:17:00.000-07:00

Here's a link to a cool maze that I found. Click on play in the box below:

The Maze
The game that started all the hype! If you haven't played this game yet, you are missing out! Do not be fooled by imitators... this is the original.

Presidential/Vice Presidential Candidates photo album

2008-09-30T00:49:00.000-07:00

Barack Obama

Here's a photo of Barack Obama pointing out one of his friends in the audience.

Here's Barack campaigning at the beach to get more female votes.

Here's Barack at a campaign rally quieting down the crowd.

Faster than any Republican. Stronger than John McCain. Able to speak his way out of any situation. Who is he? Obama man.

John McCain

Someone has Alzheimer's.

Here's John McCain posing for the ladies. Old ladies.

John McCain is about to fart.

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin confused by the camera people surrounding her.

Here's a photo of Sarah coming back from the shooting range.

Sarah is asked to smile for the camera and say "cheese", but instead she chooses to say "Hillary."

Joe Biden

Does Joe Biden think Barack Obama is qualified to be the next president?

Joe Biden doesn't know that Sarah Palin is McCain's running mate.

Joe Biden is getting sick of Sarah Palin...literally.

Hillary Clinton

What does Hillary think of Sarah Palin?

President George W. Bush

President Bush announcing his candidacy for the 2008 Presidential election. Little does he know that a president can not serve more than two terms.

Who does Sarah Palin look like?

2008-09-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin (R-AK)

As you know, Last week Senator John McCain picked Governor Sarah Palin from the state of Alaska as his Vice Presidential running mate. Few people know much about Sarah Palin. I didn’t know who the hell she was until last week or the week before. But that’s not the point here. The point here is that she is a MILF and she has a celebrity face. Many people think she resembles Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock. I think she looks like Andrea Zuckermann from Beverly Hills 90210. To settle this dispute, I need you guys to vote to decide which celebrity Sarah Palin looks like? Choose from the 5 celebrities below on who looks like Sarah Palin the most. May the best look-alike win.

Does Sarah Palin look like Tina Fey? Sarah does seem to have a sense of humor like Tina. She doesn't even know what the Vice President does.

Tina Fey

Does Sarah Palin look like Megan Mullally? Maybe, but let's just hope Sarah's run at Vice President doesn't end as quickly as Megan Mullally's talk show.

Megan Mullaly

Does Sarah Palin look like Andrea Zuckermann from Beverly Hills 90210? Who cares! I would get both of them pregnant. And you know Sarah would keep that black baby because she doesn't believe in abortion.

Andrea Zuckermann

Does Sarah Palin look like Peggy Hill from King of the Hill? Both are moms.

Peggy Hill

Does Sarah Palin look like Harry Potter? This one is tough.

Harry Potter

Vote below to decide who Sarah Palin looks like:

Penny Flame: Flame on!

2008-08-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

Penny Flame is my favorite porn star. She’s satisfied more guys than Monday Night Football. The things that she can do with her mouth, I can’t even do with my hands. She’s fuckin’ hot. She has that cute little girl scout look. If she was younger, I’d be a pedophile. She has an amazing body – nice natural tits and a nice shiny ass that you can see your reflection in. And she has a nice vagina. Her vagina looks like a slice of watermelon with a Brazilian wax. I’d eat that watermelon any day. I wouldn’t brush my teeth for a week. Plus Penny has that red/brownish hair and freckles that make her look like a sex crazed Punky Brewster. I’ve only seen two of Penny Flame’s movies – 12 on 1 two starring Lee Stone and Nasty Girls Masturbating 5. Once I saw Penny Flame, I was a fan. She sucks dick like there’s an antidote in it. And she fucks like someone out for revenge for the brutal murder of a relative. Watching her sex scenes make you orgasm in 30 seconds and leave you with a big mess on your hands.

My ultimate dream is to fuck the shit out of Penny Flame. I dream of me and Penny having sex at my mom’s house when she’s not home. I would send Penny a letter telling her how much of a fan I am and how much I love her work. I would also send her a picture of my jaw-dropping penis. Once she sees my penis, that’s when she decides she wants to fuck me. One day she unexpectedly arrives at my doorstep in a sexy red dress with clear high heel shoes. And she’s not wearing any underwear. I open the door and I’m shocked. I can’t believe it’s Penny Flame. That’s when she says to me, “So, you’re my biggest fan. Let’s fuck young boy.” Then I say to her, “Who you calling young boy? I’m the same age as you. Come here you little bitch.” Then I lift her by her legs into my arms and carry her to my messy room. I close the door and throw her on my water bed. She bounces off the water bed and falls to the floor. I pick her up and undress her. My penis is hard enough to cut diamonds at this point. I sit her naked body on the bed and then I undress. We start kissing and touching each other. I suckle on her breasts like a baby being breastfed. And I say, “Mama. Mama. Titty good. I like titty.” Then I kiss her stomach, belly, and thighs. Then I go down on her and eat her pussy like it’s pizza pie. After I make her moan, shake, rattle and roll, she decides to go down on me. That’s when she starts sucking my cock like it’s an oversized lollipop. After an hour of sucking my cock, I pull her off and lie her on the bed to penetrate her. I stick my big Hercules dick in her tight wet pussy and ejaculate in less than 2 minutes. Her pussy is so good, I don’t even have the chance to try the other sexual positions I had hoped. Afterward, we both fall asleep on my water bed. When I wake up, Penny has left and my dick is sore and needs an ice pack. I go to take a shower and thank god for making me fuck Penny Flame. That is a day I’ll never forget. But it’s a dream and this will never happen. I’ll keep dreaming about one day fucking Penny Flame. What does Penny Flame think about me one day having sex with her:

Kiss my ass Maccorley!

Lindsay Lohan and her man

2008-08-02T00:46:00.000-07:00

I decided to create a photo album for Lindsay Lohan and her boyfriend Samantha Ronson. Here it is:

LINDSAY AND SAMANTHA: SHE AND SHE-MAN

Here's Lindsay and Samantha demonstrating how they use their fingers in bed.

Here's Lindsay giving Samantha a Blow job.

Here's Samantha spinning records while Lindsay is high on drugs.

Lindsay and Samantha eating out, instead of eating in.

Lindsay and Samantha laughing and drunk driving.

Lindsay giving her man a goodnight kiss.

These two just can't keep their hands off each other. How romantic!

THE END

Barbara Walters: Living Corpse

2008-08-02T00:31:00.000-07:00

Barbara Walters Here & Now

I was watching television the other day and I noticed that Barbara Walters is still alive. I thought she was dead after all these years. But she’s still alive. Amazing! That must feel weird when all the people from your era is dead and you’re the last person standing. Barbara Walters looks like the crypt keeper. She has to be over 100 years old. She’s a walking mummy. She looks like she still uses Clap on lights. Clap on! Clap off! Clap on, Clap off, the Clapper.

The Brat Pact

2008-06-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

Knocked Up teen girls
These teen girls think it's fun to be pregnant.
They'll soon find out that it isn't. Dumb little girls!

Teenage girls getting pregnant on purpose and excited about it. If you haven’t heard this news story, let me explain. 17 teenage girls at a Massachusetts high school formed a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. When one of the girls found out she was pregnant she said, “Sweet.” These girls were so desperate to get pregnant that one of them even had a homeless guy impregnate her. These teenage girls are fuckin crazy. Couldn’t they have found something better to do with their time like having a slumber party or getting drunk. Getting drunk is better than getting pregnant. These girls could’ve spent their time drinking Bacardi than having a baby. I’ll take a Bacardi over a baby any day.

Who the hell told these girls that having a baby is a good thing. Having a baby is never a good thing. Babies are loud, annoying, and obnoxious. They’re worser than wild animals. These girls will soon find out that having a baby isn’t fun. I’ll be surprised if all of these girls don’t give their babies up for adoption after they become tired of them.

These girls rushed to get pregnant. They didn’t even wait for the prom. At least wait for the prom to get knocked up. These girls see these young celebrity girls like Jamie Lynn Spears and Ashley Simpson getting pregnant and they want to get pregnant too. Just because a celebrity does something, doesn’t mean that you have to do it too. If Lindsay Lohan decides to get a penis implant, will you get a penis implant too? Do you want a cock like Lindsay?

The school was aware that these girls formed a pact to get pregnant and yet they didn’t do anything. That’s irresponsible. Don’t you think it would’ve been a good idea to stop these girls from getting pregnant after the gym teacher reported that all the girls are missing from gym class because they’re all in the nurse’s office getting pregnancy tests. I think the dean got most of these girls pregnant. That’s why the school turned their heads and acted like nothing was going on.

Kobe, tell me how my ass taste?

2008-06-25T00:26:00.000-07:00

BON APPETIT KOBE

After getting smacked by the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals, now Kobe Bryant is getting smacked in a freestyle rap by his former Los Angeles Lakers teammate Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq was caught on video at a New York club on Sunday night dissing Kobe in his freestyle rap, blaming him for his divorce and mocking Kobe for not winning the NBA championship by saying, "Kobe, you couldn't do without me." Shaq then ends his rap by saying several times, "Kobe, tell me how my ass taste?" Shaq downplayed the freestyle rap on Monday and said that he was just having fun and him and Kobe are cool, no issues. I find this hard to believe. When you're cool with someone you don't diss them in a rap song and ask them how your ass taste. Nonetheless, this video was funny. A little gay, but funny. This is just another blow to Kobe and the Laker fans. Maybe Kobe should come out with a response freestyle rap song and say that Shaq's ass taste like Jell-O pudding and he's still waiting for Kazaam 2.

Shaq rap dissing Kobe bryant

The Prom

2008-05-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

It’s prom season and you know what that means, a lot of teenage girls are going to get pregnant. Teenage girls are going into the prom as young women, and they’re leaving the prom as new mothers. It seems like when prom season comes around, teenage girls do much better on pregnancy tests than they do on finals. One time I went to the prom and I was dancing with this girl. She had to go to the bathroom real bad, so she stopped dancing and ran to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later, she came out of the bathroom with a newborn baby. I asked her, “Who’s baby is that?” She pointed to herself. Then I asked her, “Who’s the father?” She pointed to one of the teachers. Mr. Robinson was the father of her baby.

One year I didn’t go to the prom but the rest of my classmates went. The day after the prom, the whole class came back as parents. It was like an episode of Maury. Girls were accusing boys of being the father of their baby. Boys were accusing girls of being sluts. It was crazy. The teacher didn’t even teach that day. She was reading out paternity test results.

In my senior year, I didn’t go to my high school prom. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to go, it was because I didn’t know when to go. Nobody wanted to tell me the date of the prom. They were keeping it a secret from me. Even the dean didn’t want to tell me. There was a conspiracy going on. Don’t tell Maccorley there’s a prom this year. They didn’t want me at that prom because they probably thought that I would get all the girls there pregnant and not pay child support. They were probably right.

Hey bartender, give me my damn drink!

2008-04-07T12:48:00.000-07:00

This bartender is busy flirting with girls. He's an asshole.

I despise some of these bartenders. The male ones. Some of them spend the whole night flirting with chicks rather than serving drinks. They think they’re cool. No you’re not. You’re not cool! You’re a fuckin bartender, not a male model. Don’t spend the whole night posing and winking at girls. Do your job and serve me my damn drink. One time I went to a bar and I had to wait 3 hours to get a drink. The bartender was busy chatting with this ugly girl rather than serving people drinks. This girl wasn’t even worth chatting with. She was super ugly. I wouldn’t have sex with her. I’d rather have sex with a shoe box. By the time he finished talking to Chewbacca, it was time for the bar to close. I didn’t even get a sip of tequila. Not even a droplet. I went home sober. It was the worst night of my life. All because of that stupid bartender. And Chewbacca.

These bartenders think they’re magicians. They do tricks behind the bar. They throw the glasses and bottles in the air and juggle them. If I want to see a trick, I’ll go to the circus. I don’t want to see a dude who’s supposed to be serving drinks doing special moves with a Grey Goose bottle. I’m not interested. Just give me my fuckin drink so I can get hammered. And these bartenders expect you to tip them after they’ve completed a trick. Fuck that! I’m not giving you a tip just for switching a drink from one hand to the other. I could do that.

I don’t mind the female bartenders. Especially if they’re good looking. They can do whatever they want behind the bar. I’ll let a female bartender pee in my drink.

Prostitute of the millenium

2008-03-22T02:52:00.000-07:00

Ashley Dupree
Ashley Dupree may become the most famous prostitute since Monica Lewinsky. Ever since this sex scandal broke out with her providing oral services to former New York governor Eliot Spitzer aka client number 9, her career has sky rocketed. She’s being offered movie deals, TV appearances, her Myspace page has a million hits a day (I’ve seen her page a thousand times already). Everybody wants a piece of her, including me. American Idol wants her to come on the show to perform for Simon Cowell. Simon, you’re a lucky man. I know some people don’t agree with what Ashley Dupree does for a living and they despise her for having sex with a married man, but look what it’s done for her. It’s made her a celebrity. She’s on the same page with Britney Spears. She’s a star now! And like the Jeffersons, she’s moving on up to the East side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. She’s moving on up. I know what she did was illegal and immoral, but who hasn’t had sex for money? We’ve all had sex for money. We may not have noticed it, but we have done it. One of my friends always pays his girlfriend for sex. He gives her $20 after sex as a reward. And I know girls who will have sex with guys for a pack of cigarettes. We’re all prostitutes in some shape or form. People shouldn’t hate or judge Ashley Dupree for what she does and who she is. Prostitutes are people too (Just ask my grandma). They have feelings like everybody else. And they pay their taxes….some of them. They’re just doing their job just like everyone else. But their job requires a little more hands-on work. Let Ashley Dupree enjoy her five minutes of fame. And let the guys enjoy Ashley Dupree. I don’t care if Ashley Dupree is a prostitute. She looks good! I would let her give me Herpes any day. I think she deserves the hooker of the millennium award.

Myspace obsession

2008-02-22T22:42:00.000-08:00

What you are about to see is real. A little kid screams and yells as his brother and his friends try to get him off of Myspace. The kid is obsessed and will not get off of Myspace. He even protects the computer and fights off his older brother and his friends from coming anywhere near it. This just proves that Myspace ruins lives. Look at what it’s done to this little brat. Fuckin hilarious. I peed my pants watching this video. Warning: Cover your ears. This kid screams like a fuckin girl in a horror movie.

Obsessed with Myspace

I'm sorry New England Patriots

2008-02-05T23:31:00.000-08:00

It's been two days since my New York Giants defeated the 18-0 New England Patriots in the most watched Superbowl of all time. I'm still in joy and excitement over the win. But I feel sorry for the Patriots and Patriots fans. Your team scored a zillion of points and was having a perfect season, until my Giants beat your team's ass and ended your team's season with their first loss of the season and their worst loss of the season. And it happened in the final game of the season in the Superbowl. Giants fans, let's pray for Patriots fans so they won't jump off a bridge or the monster in Fenway Park in Boston. Let's send our condolences to those Patriots fans who have already taken their lives. I have some final words regarding the Patriots. I'm not going to trash talk because I'm not a sore loser like Bill Belicheat, I mean Belichick. But I will say this: Bill Belichick is the most boring person on the fucking planet. Tom Brady looks like a gay porn star. Randy Moss looks like a thug. The New England Patriots are chokers. Boston sucks. And the New York Giants are World champions and America's team. Fuck you Dallas. Patriot fans, look at the bright side, you didn't get to enjoy another Superbowl win. But maybe you can enjoy the video below.

Politicians can suck it

2008-01-11T23:55:00.000-08:00

Last night I was trying to watch the news, but all they kept talking about was the primary elections. Fuck the primary elections and fuck these politicians. I don’t understand these politicians. Most of them are boring and uptight. They look like they never have any fun. For once I would like to see a fun, hip, and cool politician. I want a politician who listens to hip hop and rock music, and uses profanity in public. Wouldn’t you want to hear John McCain curse at one of his campaigns. Like, "If you motherfuckers vote for me, I’ll cut taxes when I’m president. Tax cuts for everybody, you sons of bitches." If one of the presidential candidates cursed like that, I would finally vote. I would love to see one of the candidates curse out another candidate. Like Barack Obama cursing out Hillary Clinton: "That bitch should be in the kitchen cooking pancakes, not campaigning for president. Fuck her, and her husband too." Then Hillary would retaliate and curse him back: "I don’t know who that uppity nigger thinks he is, but he better shut the fuck up or I’ll put my high heel up his ass. If I had a dick, Obama could suck it." If the candidates cursed like that, I would go to every primary election. I would buy tickets tomorrow. But they don’t, so they can suck it.

Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions for 2008

2008-01-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

Here are some New Year's Resolutions from our favorite celebrities for 2008:

Britney Spears' New Year Resolutions:
1. Give the paparazzi a tracking device so they can follow me all day.
2. Go out and party and leave the kids at home by themselves watching VH1.
3. Show my little sister Jamie Lynn how to use birth control so she won’t get pregnant again.

Michael Vick’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Attend a dog show when I get out of prison.
2. Attend animal cruelty therapy.
3. Watch Scooby Doo and read Clifford the big red dog to get a better appreciation of dogs.

Lindsay Lohan’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Go back to rehab and learn nothing.
2. Make even more crappy movies and star in Herbie Fully Loaded II, III, and IV.
3. Get pregnant like Nicole Richie and the other girls.

Barry Bonds' New Year Resolutions:
1. Hide my Steroid collection in Roger Clemens' house.
2. Send the baseball committee some money so they can put me in the Hall of Fame without an asterisk.
3. Assassinate A-Rod so he won’t break my home run record.

Paris Hilton’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Do nothing like usual.
2. Adopt a child from Africa and auction him off on Ebay when I don’t want him anymore.
3. Star in a sequel to my sex video “One night in Paris.” The sequel will be called “It’s raining in Paris.”

Dog the bounty hunter’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Apologize 500 times to black people and Al Sharpton for saying the N word.
2. Get rid of the mullet.
3. Move the show to BET.

Hillary Clinton's New Year Resolutions:
1. Kick Obama’s ass in the primary elections.
2. Star as Mrs. Brady in the new Brady Bunch movie.
3. Divorce Bill once I become President of the United States.

Barack Obama's New Year Resolutions:
1. Kick Hillary Clinton’s ass in the primaries.
2. Send out a memo to all voters reminding everyone that I’m black.
3. Thank Oprah for her support by having sex with her…….in front of Stedman.

The New York Knicks' New Year Resolutions:
1. Move the team to the WNBA (They’ll play better against women than men).
2. Sign Isiah Thomas to a life long extension.
3. Sign people off the street to suit up and play.

Major League Baseball players' New Year Resolutions:
1. Burn the Mitchell report or wipe our asses with it.
2. Continue taking HGH because it’s not detectable in drug tests.
3. Get Steroids legalized.

Tyra Banks' New Year Resolutions:
1. Steal more of Oprah’s ideas
2. Have America’s Next Top Model filmed on an island, without food.
3. Remind my guests and audience that I’m more important than them.

CW Network’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Cancel Aliens in America.
2. Cancel all the shows on Monday Night.
3. Cancel the whole network.

O.J. Simpson’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Kill the guy who accused me of breaking into his room and taking memorabilia.
2. Sell bootleg NFL dvds to make money.
3. Write a book entitled “How to kill people and get away with it.”

Fuck you Santa!

2007-12-04T00:42:00.000-08:00

I believed in Santa Claus until I was 18 years old. Every year I thought he would come to my house and bring me presents, but that holly jolly fat bastard never did. So, fuck him. Fuck Santa Claus! Every Christmas I hoped Santa Claus would stop by my house and leave presents under our small Christmas tree. I left milk and cookies for him by my window. I even waited for Santa to visit until New Years Eve. I thought maybe it’s taking him awhile to get to my house because he has so many houses to visit. I was delusional. He was never going to come to my house because you know why – he’s an ass hole. Santa, if you’re reading this, Fuck you!! You and your stupid red costume and those moose that you call reindeers. You’re selfish. You treat those leprechauns in your factory like slaves. All they do is work all day building toys, while you sit on the couch watching Dr. Phil. You should be ashamed of yourself. You and your stupid fake laugh. Ho, Ho, Ho my ass. I hope you get stuck in a chimney. Fuck you and Mrs. Claus too!!

Kim Kardashian has butt implants

2007-12-04T00:12:00.000-08:00

For months now Kim Kardashian has been denying rumors that she's had cosmetic surgery on her butt. The big butt brunette who's known for hanging out with Paris Hilton and making a sex tape with Brandy's brother Ray J, has said that her butt is natural and it's common for Armenian women to have huge butts. After looking at her nude pics from Playboy magazine's December issue, Kim Kardashian is a liar. When looking at Kardashian's butt, you can clearly see that her ass is surgically enhanced. There's one picture from Playboy magazine where you can see, if you look closely, a surgical scar on Kim's upper left butt cheek. Here's the picture below and examine it yourself:

Click the pictures to enlarge

Steroids

2007-11-06T00:15:00.001-08:00

It seems like everybody is taking steroids nowadays – Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, me. I’m just kidding! I’m not taking steroids, I’m taking HGH. I would never take steroids because they say it makes your testicles smaller and your head bigger. I don’t want to walk around looking like a bobble-head doll. But if you want to get stronger, steroids really help. As a kid I always thought spinach would make you stronger because Popeye got stronger every time he ate it. Popeye is a fuckin liar. He must’ve had some steroids in that spinach because there’s no way you can get stronger by eating a bunch of leaves. I also used to think that you could get stronger by exposing yourself to gamma radiation to become strong like the Incredible Hulk. One of my friends in third grade tried that. He sat in the sun for three hours one day. It didn’t make him stronger, but it did give him a nice tan. Vitamins were another thing I thought would make you strong. Hulk Hogan always said to say your prayers and eat your vitamins. Those vitamins didn’t do shit. All they did was give me a tummy ache and made me go to sleep early.

A lot of kids are taking steroids. That’s why you see these 10 year olds who look like He-man. They’re taking steroids. And boys aren’t the only ones taking steroids, girls are taking them too. Steroids make girls look manly. I knew a girl in junior high who was taking steroids and she grew a moustache……and a penis.

If you're not an athlete, you shouldn't be taking steroids. Steroids is not going to help you if you're not competing in a sport. If you're a cashier, steroids isn't going to help you put the money in the cash register faster.

The Olsen Twins

2007-10-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

What has happened to the Olsen twins? They look like young crack heads. They look high all the time. And they are really skinny. The both of them combined weigh .5 pounds. A Twizzler weighs more than them. One of them supposedly had an eating disorder. Of course you’re going to have an eating disorder when you’re spending all your money on crack. To them getting high is more important than getting healthy. Remember when the Olsen twins were hot, when they were on Full House. I know they were in pre school during that time, but I was only five years older than them. I was the only third grader who had a crush on Michelle Tanner. I used to say “You got it dude” all the time. That was my favorite phrase. I was a big Michelle Tanner fan. And I know there are a lot of sick guys out there who couldn’t wait to see how the Olsen twins look like when they grow up. Now that they’re grown up, those guys probably wish they were young again.
When I see the Olsen twins I can’t tell who’s who. I don’t know who’s Mary-Kate and who’s Ashley. That’s why I just call both of them Michelle. “Oh there goes Michelle.” One of them is now on the Showtime series Weeds. Well that’s what they smoke all day. Being on a show called Weeds is jut another reason for them to get high. Having just one of them on a show is surprising. They’re usually together. I don’t understand why they’re always together. If I had a twin, I would try to distance myself from him as far as possible. Because if he commits a crime, I don’t want to go to jail because I match the perfect description of him.
Imagine if Bob Saget decided to date one of the Olsen twins. How weird would that be. That would be strange to see Danny Tanner dating his own daughter. I would have sex with the Olsen twins. I would have sex with them and make them call me Uncle Jesse. Then I would get high with them.

O.J. SIMPSON: THE BOOGEYMAN

2007-09-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

O.J. (Orange Juice) Simpson was arrested in Las Vegas over the weekend in connection with an alleged robbery. You would think that a guy who’s been proven non-guilty of double murder would lay low for awhile and stay out of trouble. But not O.J. Not the Juice. O.J. Simpson loves the spotlight. He would choke Britney Spears just for some media attention. The Las Vegas police say Orange Juice Simpson and his posse entered a hotel room and took memorabilia that he says belongs to him. The memorabilia include a pair of Bruno Magli shoes, a bloody glove, knife, and a ski mask. Well, even though O.J. broke into the room and took memorabilia, at least he didn’t kill anybody this time.
O.J. Simpson is the Tiger Woods of killing people. Tiger Woods can miss 2 shots and get away with it. O.J. can kill 2 people and get away with it. Orange Juice is one scary dude. He’s scarier than Freddy Krueger. If Freddy Krueger saw O.J., he would pee his pants. I get scared every time I see O.J. on TV. I hide under my covers and call for my mommy. If I saw O.J. coming down the street, I would run and hide behind a car. I’m not getting my ass killed. But some people aren’t scared of O.J. A lot of girls love him. They can’t wait for O.J. to put his hands on them (and kill them). I’m sorry but if there’s a girl out there who actually likes O.J. Simpson, then she deserves to be stabbed by him. The blondes love O.J. and O.J. loves the blondes. I can’t blame the blondes for being attracted to O.J. Simpson. They probably think he’s Bill Cosby.
Every time I see Orange Juice on TV, he always has a smile on his face. He looks like he’s the happiest killer in the world. He acts like he hasn’t killed 2 people. He acts like he just won the Super bowl. And can you believe the guy is 60. He should be in a retirement home…..stabbing the senior citizens. I’m just killing, I mean kidding. You see, You see what happens when you talk about O.J., you start thinking like him. Las Vegas police say that O.J. will be charged with six counts of robbery, assault, burglary, and conspiracy. Ha ha! You’re going to prison O.J. Johnnie Cochran can’t save you now motherfucker.

Osama bin Laden

2007-09-08T01:44:00.000-07:00

If you haven’t heard by now Osama bin Laden has come out with a new video that was shown on television today. It seems like every three months there’s a new Osama bin Laden video. This guy has released more videos than Kelly Clarkson. Enough already! I’m tired of seeing Osama bin Laden’s ugly Jihad face on my TV screen. He looks like an anorexic Santa Claus. He’s dirty and hairy. He looks like he hasn’t showered in years….since the Flintstones were cancelled. A hooker’s butt crack is cleaner than him. I don’t know why he isn’t dead yet. He lives in a cave with a bunch of dudes (and who knows what they’re doing in there) and he has no food or assets. He should be a corpse right now, but he isn’t because it’s like he’s getting stronger. He’s like the Incredible Hulk. The more he threatens America, the stronger he gets. And the more he watches VH1, the angrier he gets. Osama bin Laden hates America so much, but he loves our technology. He uses Hi-tech cameras and the internet. In the video, he’s even caught using the iPhone. Son of a bitch.
We need to bribe this guy to come out of hiding. Maybe if we send Paris Hilton over there to have sex with him, he’ll come out. Why can’t we find Osama bin Laden? Why can’t we just send Dog the Bounty hunter to look for him. Dog will do a good job. Maybe. When we do capture Osama bin Laden (which will be in 2030), we need to torture him by making him watch the Ellen DeGeneres Show. I hate Osama bin Laden. I hope he gets molested by a mountain lion.

Breast implants

2007-09-04T00:43:00.000-07:00

More and more girls are getting breast implants. It’s like an epidemic. You got girls as young as 12 years old getting breast implants. These young girls have double D’s while their friends have barely an A cup. Young girls aren’t the only ones getting breast implants. Old women are getting them too. As if their breasts aren’t big enough. My grandma’s friend got breast implants last year. Now she has a bad back and can’t walk up straight. Here’s a tip: if you’re a grandma, don’t get breast implants. Grandmas have naturally big breasts already.

Breast implants don’t turn me on like they used to. I used to be a big fan of breast implants. I joined the breast implants fan club when I was 10 years old. I even had a membership card. But that was in the 90’s when breast implants were very popular. In the 90’s, breast implants were like the Beatles. Now they’re like the Pussycat Dolls. They’re attractive to look at, but I’m just not a big fan of them. Don’t get me wrong, if I see a girl with fake boobs, I’ll take a sneak peek but I won’t stare at them like they’re a piece of steak (I’m just kidding, of course I would). Most guys don’t care about fake boobs anymore. Of course there are guys out there who will ask a girl with big breasts if her breasts are real or not, but guys will not stand there and admire them (Because they don’t want to get slapped in the face). Guys like girls who have natural breasts. Natural breasts are cute. They’re like puppies. You want to hold them in your hands and kiss and comfort them. You even want to tell them how much you love them. Breast implants are like pit bulls. They’re big, bad, and wild. You can’t kiss, comfort or hold on to them. They’re uncontrollable.

Which one of these girls has the breast implants?

The WNBA

2007-08-14T00:13:00.000-07:00

I was watching a WNBA game on Sunday and I noticed that most of the players are ugly. There wasn’t any WNBA player that I saw and said, “She looks fine. I would go out with her.” There was none. There wasn’t even one WNBA player that I wanted to get pregnant. These WNBA players look like the NBA players. They have braids and tattoos. They look exactly like the male athletes. I saw one WNBA player that looked like Shaquille O’neal. I said to myself, “Is that Shaq? Since when did Shaq play in the WNBA.” I don’t know how these WNBA players find dates. If one of the WNBA players asked me out to dinner, I wouldn’t show up. I’d rather go on a date with an Orangutan.
These WNBA players are too tall. They’re hands are the size of my head. I can’t imagine myself holding hands down the street with one of them. It would be like holding hands down the street with my big brother. I don’t know how shorter guys deal with these women. I don’t know how they kiss these gigantic beasts. I would have to stand on a ladder to kiss one of them. And if you’re a short guy you can’t get into a fight with a WNBA player. They’ll put beat you up or put you in a headlock. Or even dunk over you.

Paris Hilton back in jail

2007-06-09T00:50:00.004-07:00

Ooh-wah, ooh-wah, ooh-wah. Don't cry Paris. Don't cry. Everything will be okay......I think. I feel sorry for Paris Hilton. She's not going to see a penis in 40 days. That's too long for her. Penis is her life support, along with make-up, partying, and a cell phone. She's going to be locked in a prison with a bunch of females who look like Mr. T. Those female prisoners are going to treat her like a fat kid treats his pizza. They're going to touch her and make out with her. I don't think Paris has ever made out with females who look like grown men. Maybe Paris will put on some weight while she's locked up. Maybe she'll lift weights and give piggyback rides to a 300lb female prisoner named Tyrone. Imagine if Paris comes out of prison looking like a WNBA player. That would be something. She would beat up the paparazzi and shoot a jump shot over them. What if Paris comes out of prison as a gangster. No one would be able to make jokes about her. She would shoot you with her mini handgun that Tyrone gave her in prison. But I hope Paris doesn't come out of prison looking like a WNBA player or a gangster. I like her just the way she is, cute and anorexic. I hope Paris stays out of trouble in prison and doesn't get stabbed in her bones.

Paris Hilton out of jail

2007-06-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

She'sss baccckkk. It's only been three days since Paris Hilton went to jail and now she's being released. This is the worsest news since the E! network brought back the "Simple Life." This news is going to cause riots throughout the world. And it already has. When the Japanese found out that Paris Hilton was let out of jail early, they burned down Tokyo. When the Mexicans found out that Paris was released out of jail early, they jumped back over the border. And the terrorists hate us even more now. Thanks a lot Paris. Paris Hilton only spent three days in jail. Three days! She didn't even spend enough time to become someone's girlfriend. Now she'll spend the remaining of her sentence confined to her home doing nothing. Doing nothing, something she's used to. Well, at least she doesn't have to wait 40 days for some dick.

CONDOMS

2007-05-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

The worsest feeling in the world is when you're about to have sex and you reach into your pocket for a condom and there's nothing in there. That's the worsest feeling in the world. You can get shot in the stomach and not feel the way you feel when you don't have a condom for sex. Most girls will always ask if you brought a condom. You'll never find a girl who says, "Fuck condoms. I want to have un protective sex. I want a baby." You'll never find a girl who says that. Never! Girls play it safe. They're always prepared. Girls will provide you with a condom if you don't have one. But you have to be careful. Some girls will give you a defective condom with holes in it. You put the condom on and the next thing you know you're taking a paternity test on the Maury Povich Show. I don't want that to happen to me. That's why I check for holes in a condom beforehand with my flashlight and binoculars. I don't want to get any girl pregnant. And I don't want herpes.

In my old neighborhood, when the drug dealers ran out of drugs to sell, they sold condoms. The drug dealers knew that everybody in my neighborhood was having sex, so they capitalized on that by selling condoms to everyone. Even little kids. The little kids thought it was candy until they opened the package and saw what looked like a water balloon. In the summertime, the kids filled the condoms up with water and threw it at each other. No one in the neighborhood even bothered to tell these kids that they were playing with condoms, not balloons. The drug dealers made a lot of money. They sold the condoms at discount price. One Trojan cost $1. Not bad. The cops couldn't arrest these drug dealers because they were protecting the people in the neighborhood instead of killing them. One time I saw a cop buy two packs from a drug dealer around the corner.

Retard singing Amazing Grace

2007-05-11T23:43:00.000-07:00

Once in awhile I find a funny video on Youtube to share with you guys. This latest video that I found is a video of a guy at a church singing or trying to sing "Amazing Grace". I don't know if the guy forgot the words or he doesn't know the words to the song, but one thing is clear, this guy is a retard. He abuses "Amazing Grace". Not only does he ruin the song, he ruins everybody's Sunday afternoon at the Church with his voice. As he was singing, I thought God was going to strike him down with lightning to make him shut the fuck up. Anyway, here's the video. Laugh your ass off:

Scarlett Johansson: The sexiest woman alive!

2007-04-05T15:18:00.000-07:00

Scarlett Johansson is the sexiest woman in the universe right now. There's no woman even close. I would do anything to meet her. I would throw an old lady down a flight of stairs just to meet her. But I'm just kidding, I would never throw an old lady down a flight of stairs unless it was my grandma. But seriously, if I had to jump off the roof of the Empire State building to meet Scarlett, I would do it in a second. I'm writing my will at this moment. If I met her I would let her fart in my face. Her farts probably smell like roses. I would smell her farts in ecstasy. Having sex with her would be even better. I would have sex with Scarlett Johansson even if she had AIDS. That's better than an autograph. An autograph can fade away, but AIDS can last forever. I would be proud to tell people that I got AIDS from Scarlett Johansson. Then I'll die a happy man.

Marijuana

2007-02-23T16:22:00.000-08:00

Weed has become a hobby for some people. Some people have hobbies like going out, riding their bike, reading or playing sports. Other people just like going out around the corner to smoke weed. These people don’t care where they smoke weed. They go to the playground and smoke weed in front of five year old kids. Then they tell the kids, “Don’t do drugs. It’s bad for you.” Weed addicts will smoke anything if they don’t have weed. A weed addict will go onto someone’s lawn and steal bushes. Then they smoke it.

The girls bathroom v.s The boys bathroom

2007-02-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

VS.

I wish I could use the girls bathroom more often because it's clean and everything's not wet. In the boys bathroom, there's pee pee everywhere. It’s like guys just run in the bathroom and start peeing on anything. The boys bathroom is like Hell, and the girls bathroom is like Melrose Place.

Saddam v.s Hitler…..in Hell

2007-01-18T12:16:00.000-08:00

VS.

Over two weeks after being hanged and executed, Saddam Hussein entered the gates of hell and was met by the sound of boos. People from former president Richard Nixon to Gangsta rapper Tupac were nearby booing loudly as Saddam Hussein stepped into hell. There was one individual in particular who was booing the loudest. That individual was the one and only, Adolf Hitler. As soon as Saddam stepped into hell, tensions soon arose between the two men. Adolf Hiltler, who tortured women and children himself, yelled out insults and chastised Saddam for torturing women and children while president of Iraq. Saddam did not take this criticism from Adolf Hitler lightly. Saddam wanted revenge and that’s what he got the following day. The following day during lunchtime in Hell’s kitchen, Saddam went over to the table where Hitler was eating and took his chocolate milk when Hitler went to the bathroom. When Hitler came back from the bathroom he realized that his chocolate milk was missing and immediately blamed it on Saddam. Hitler went over to Saddam’s table and demanded that Saddam give him back his chocolate milk. “Give me back my chocolate milk. I know you took it you girly bitch” Hitler said. Then Saddam said that he already drank the chocolate milk and teased and annoyed Hitler by saying, “Nah Nah Nah Nah.” Hitler then got mad and Nazi saluted Saddam in the eye. Saddam then got up and bitch slapped Hitler in the face like a rag doll. The two starting fighting and that’s when the guards came to break it up. Hitler ordered a “Blitzkrieg” on Saddam’s ass and Saddam quickly ran off and went into hiding.

Satan approached the two men and told them to have this conflict settled at next month’s Hell pay per view event. The two men will battle it out in an inferno ring with a steel cage. Tupac will be the referee. Here’s some fight info on the two men for their upcoming pay per view match:

Saddam Hussein

Country: Iraq

Favorite movie: Gone with the wind

Favorite cartoon: Scooby Doo

Favorite food: Pizza with extra cheese

Favorite dessert: Ice cream sundae with

Racial group I hate: Kurds

Political party: Ba’ath party (even

though we never took

any)

Major wars involved in: Gulf War, Iran-Iraq War

Occupation: President

Sexual orientation: Undecided

Smoke/Drink: Yes/Hell yeah

Religion: Sunni Muslim

Date of death: December 30, 2006

Cause of death: Choked by a rope

Responsible for: Gay porn

Favorite sentence: I pity the fool

Accused of the US of: Having weapons of

mass destruction

Children: All over the Middle east

Rock, paper, scissor: Rock (that’s what I’m

surrounded by)

Adolf Hitler

Country: Germany

Favorite movie: King Kong

Favorite cartoon: Looney Tunes

Favorite actor: Marlon Brando

Favorite food: Hot dog

Favorite dessert: Apple pie

Racial group I hate: Jews

Political party: Nazi party

Major wars involved in: World War I & II

Occupation: Chancellor

Sexual orientation: Swinger

Smoke/Drink: No/Only after sex
with Eva

Religion: On and off again Christian

Date of death: April 30, 1945

Cause of death: Shot himself

Responsible for: The Holocaust

Favorite sentence: I pity the Jew

Accused of the US of: Making France pee

in their pants

Children: Hell no (I hate kids)

Rock, paper, scissor: Scissor (to trim my beard)

*Here's Saddam Hussein being hanged:

Saddam hanging video

Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions

2007-01-01T10:45:00.000-08:00

Here are some New Year’s resolutions from our favorite celebrities for 2007:

Tom Cruise’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Come out the closet and hook up with Ryan Seacrest
2. Return Suri to her real parents
3. Bitch slap Scientology non-believers

Lindsay Lohan’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Make more crappy movies
2. Lose 50 more pounds to look even better than Hilary Duff
3. Drink and drive and then run over an innocent pedestrian

Paris Hilton’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Go out
2. Party
3. Have fun

Britney Spears’ New Year Resolutions:
1. Wear panties, preferably Victoria Secret
2. Have a threesome with Lindsay and Paris
3. Try to remember how to sing again

Kevin Federline’s (K-Fed) New Year Resolutions:
1. Get another female celebrity pregnant, maybe Jessica Simpson
2. Trick Britney by paying her child support with Monopoly money
3. Sit on my couch and watch reruns of “Prison Break”

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Steal a black baby from Malawi like Madonna did
2. Be friends with Jennifer Anniston and then poison her when she’s visiting us
3. Covert to scientology and then move to space to get away from the paparazzi

Oprah’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Get a raise in salary and become a zillionaire
2. Buy Wal-Mart and the internet
3. Have Tyra Banks assassinated for stealing my ideas

Rosie O’Donnell’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Choke Barbara Walters when no one is looking
2. Get Penile Surgery
3. Become a Sumo wrestler

O.J. Simpson’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Dig up Nicole’s grave and sell her corpse on Ebay
2. Kill my kids
3. Join the circus juggling knives

Mel Gibson’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Become an honorary member of the Ku Klux Klan
2. Start a fight at a Bar Mitzvah
3. Release prequel to the Passion of the Christ entitled “Passion of the Christ: The early years”

Cosmo Kramer’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Don’t say any word beginning with the letter N
2. Date a black chick so people won’t think I’m racist
3. Release a sex video that will sell more than the Seinfeld dvds

President Bush’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Get a PS3
2. Watch the Fox News Channel
3. Buy Spider Man costume for Halloween