Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions

Here are some New Year’s resolutions from our favorite celebrities for 2007:


Tom Cruise’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Come out the closet and hook up with Ryan Seacrest
2. Return Suri to her real parents
3. Bitch slap Scientology non-believers

Lindsay Lohan’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Make more crappy movies
2. Lose 50 more pounds to look even better than Hilary Duff
3. Drink and drive and then run over an innocent pedestrian

Paris Hilton’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Go out
2. Party
3. Have fun

Britney Spears’ New Year Resolutions:
1. Wear panties, preferably Victoria Secret
2. Have a threesome with Lindsay and Paris
3. Try to remember how to sing again

Kevin Federline’s (K-Fed) New Year Resolutions:
1. Get another female celebrity pregnant, maybe Jessica Simpson
2. Trick Britney by paying her child support with Monopoly money
3. Sit on my couch and watch reruns of “Prison Break”

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Steal a black baby from Malawi like Madonna did
2. Be friends with Jennifer Anniston and then poison her when she’s visiting us
3. Covert to scientology and then move to space to get away from the paparazzi

Oprah’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Get a raise in salary and become a zillionaire
2. Buy Wal-Mart and the internet
3. Have Tyra Banks assassinated for stealing my ideas

Rosie O’Donnell’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Choke Barbara Walters when no one is looking
2. Get Penile Surgery
3. Become a Sumo wrestler

O.J. Simpson’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Dig up Nicole’s grave and sell her corpse on Ebay
2. Kill my kids
3. Join the circus juggling knives

Mel Gibson’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Become an honorary member of the Ku Klux Klan
2. Start a fight at a Bar Mitzvah
3. Release prequel to the Passion of the Christ entitled “Passion of the Christ: The early years”

Cosmo Kramer’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Don’t say any word beginning with the letter N
2. Date a black chick so people won’t think I’m racist
3. Release a sex video that will sell more than the Seinfeld dvds

President Bush’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Get a PS3
2. Watch the Fox News Channel
3. Buy Spider Man costume for Halloween