Nudists

Nudists are crazy! They walk naked around children. How the hell do you walk around naked with children nearby? Do you know how traumatic that is? I went blind when I first saw my grandma naked. Imagine how these kids are suffering by the sight of these naked old people at these nude beaches. The sight of saggy breasts and wrinkled balls can stunt a kid's growth or make him mentally retarded. I would never go to one of those nudists outings with kids around. First of all, I would feel like a pedophile seeing all those naked children. Second, my big black penis would scare them. Kids would see my junk and run away from me like I'm Bigfoot. That's why black guys stay away from nude beaches. They don't want anyone to pass out and faint by the sight of their cocks.
I don't know how these nudists don't get aroused at these naturist clubs. I can't even take my clothes off without getting a boner. I have a boner right now and I'm not even naked. If I went to one of those nudist resorts, I'd be harder than a diamond. I'd walk around with an erection everywhere – near the pool and near the food. My banana is bigger than that banana on the table!
I wish nudist resorts were allowed to women only. All men, except for me, should be banned from being nude in public. There's nothing worse than going to a nudist resort and being invited to play tackle football on the beach with a bunch of naked dudes. Ugh! I'd rather play beach volleyball with the naked old ladies instead.
These nudists have the nerve to ride horses on the beach with no clothes on. You can't put your smelly bare ass on a horse! That's close to animal abuse. Just because the horse can't talk doesn't mean it's okay with you riding it butt naked. If I were that horse, I'd throw your nudist ass to the grass. And run you over like the Belmont Stakes.

Faces of Horror and Hilarity

I came upon this YouTube video a month ago. It's the trailer for Orgasm! The Faces of Ecstasy which was released in 2004. It's a documentary that depicts the faces of several men and women pleasuring themselves to the point of climax. The documentary captures these individuals from the neck up. So, you don't get to see their genitals or techniques in the video. But the faces that some of these people make as they are having an orgasm are hilarious and scary at the same time. One guy looks like he's just been tasered. Watch the video below to see for yourself:

Orgasm! The Faces of Ecstasy

Craziest Athletes of All Time

From Stephon Marbury to Mike Tyson. Here are the craziest athletes of all-time:
http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2009/09/15/craziest_athletes_of_all_time


Stephon Marbury Eats Vaseline

Not the Sweetest Taboo

Not long ago I was watching a documentary on TV about "Genetic Sexual Attraction" between long-lost siblings who met each other as adults. There was one brother and sister couple who were expressing their love for each other and kissing on camera. It was disgusting. They even have children together which is even more disgusting. If you're going to have a child with a blood relative, at least have it with a second cousin or someone like that. But not with your brother or sister. Their attraction to each other made me want to vomit in my mouth. I can't even imagine being attracted to my sister and making out with her. Me and my sister don't even hug. I would rather get molested by a lion than make out with my sister. I feel sorry for those kids that the couple have. You know those kids are going to be retarded. History has shown that the chances of two blood relatives having perfectly normal children is slim. And I feel sorry for the grandparents. Those grandparents are pulling the hair out of their heads and wanting to go to their graves early.
I'm sure everyone in some point of their life has had fantasies about a relative. That's natural. But when you act on those fantasies and have sex with a relative, that's when it's just wrong. Most people played the game "doctor" as kids. Most of the time the only kids that were available to play doctor was a close relative. Then all you kids played doctor and you end up seeing your cousin's vagina and she sees your little penis. Anything more than that is a memory that will live in your head forever.
There are times when you meet someone hot at a family gathering and you want to bang the crap out of them. Then you find out they're one of your cousins on your mother's side of the family. These situations usually occur at a family wedding or funeral. Some people don't care and they go ahead and have sex with that relative even though they just found out they're related. These people are out of their damn minds!

Summer Heat

The thing that I can't stand about the Summer is the heat. It's hot as hell in the Summertime. The temperature tops out at 90°. You need three air conditioners and some Kool-Aid to stay cool. And it doesn't matter how much deodorant you put on. Once you step outside in that heat, the deodorant is gone. After three hours in the sun you smell like a dead cat. In the summer, the heat makes my balls sweat. When I get home and take off my underwear, it's soaked in ball sweat. The hot weather in the Summer also makes you thirsty. One time I drank two 3 liter sodas all by myself in three minutes. People outside were looking at me like I was selfish. They saw me drinking those big bottles of soda all to myself and they wanted some. If they're thirsty, they should just go drink pee pee because I'm not sharing my sodas with anybody.
Even though I don't like the hot weather in the Summer, I do like the way it makes girls dress. Girls dress sexy in the Summertime. They wear tank tops, short shorts, and sandals that show off their pretty painted feet. It's hard not to get an erection when you look at them. When I look at them, my penis gets bigger and rips my pants like the Incredible Hulk.

These girls seem to be enjoying the Summer heat.

Held back

This kid just found out that he'll be repeating the 8th grade for the third year in a row.

In a couple weeks school kids will be getting their final report cards. Some kids will be disappointed when they find out that they’ll be repeating the same grade in the fall. If these kids weren’t on Myspace, Facebook, or Twitter all night, maybe they would be moving on to the next grade. Oh well!
There was nothing worse on the last day of school than finding out you’ve been left back. I’ve never been left back before, but I have friends who have been. I have friends right now who are still in elementary school. They’re still learning their ABC’s. I have one friend who’s been left back so many times in high school, he has a son right now who’s in the same grade with him.
Kids were mean in school. They would make fun of the kid who got left back every time they saw him. I felt sorry for the kid. We were in the fourth grade and he was still in kindergarten.
There was one time in the third grade when I was almost held back. The teacher told me on the last day of school that I was missing homework and I would have to repeat the third grade again. I was panicking. I didn’t want to go home and tell my parents that I was getting left over. My dad would beat my ass if I ever came home and told him that. So, in a desperation move, I went and had a one on one talk with Mrs. Wauters after school. No one was around and the classroom was empty. It was only me and Mrs. Wauters. So then I pulled a condom out of my pocket and had sex with her. After that, she changed her mind and passed me over to the next grade.

My Ass

Here's a picture of my nice round ass:

It's Sexy isn't it? Actually, this is not my ass. It's an anonymous ass of a woman. It does kind of look like my ass though.

T and A

The most important thing on Valentine's Day is not the flowers and candy, it's T and A. Tits and Ass. Two of the most beautiful words in my porn dictionary. Everybody loves Tits and Ass. They're our new national pastime. How can you not love Tits and Ass? Those are the two best things in the world next to pussy. Everywhere you look, Tits and Ass are there. On TV, on the internet, on your bed. It's like they're following you around everywhere you go. And when you see them, you get horny and jerk off. Even in public. What makes Tits and Ass so magical? I'll tell you.

Let's start with Tits. Tits have been in our face since we were toddlers. That was our introduction to them. As we grew older, we saw them on TV and in magazines. They made us reach our first orgasm when we were nine. Tits became magical to you when you saw them up close and personal by a girl other than your sister. That changed your whole life right there. From that point on you swore that one day you'll get your hands on them and even suck them if you have the chance. When you're a grown man, you've studied Tits so much that you know whether a girl's breasts are real or fake. You don't even need X-ray vision to figure it out. Next to your dog, Tits become your best friend and they are more special than anything on this earth.
Tits are beautiful because they come in different shapes and sizes. Almost like fruits. Some girls have Watermelon Titties, while other girls have Appleseed Titties. Just like any fruit, you want to suck those Titties and nibble on those hard nipples. It's hard to resist sucking on a Titty when it's in your face and staring at you like a puppy that wants to be petted. If you don't want to suck Titties when they're in your face, you can always box them like a punching bag. When we don't have Titties in our face and sucking them like grapefruits, they're hiding in a fuckin' bra. The bra is the worst invention ever. Whoever invented it should rot in hell. Fuck the bra! But sometimes it is hot to look at a girl wearing a bra because those Tits look like they're playing hide n' go seek. Some look like they're going to pop out. The sexiest part of the Titty is the nipple. When girls are wearing tight shirts or blouses, you can see the nipples pointing through. That's so sexy. It makes you want to jerk off even harder.

Now Ass doesn't have the aura that Tits have, but it does have the presence. As little kids, we were taught that our Ass was dirty and we should always wash it. We were spanked on our ass as toddlers. As adults, people make fun of our Ass. But the Ass is unique. Like Tits, Ass comes in different shapes and sizes too. Some look like basketballs, and some look like beach balls. Some girls can make their Ass jiggle, and some can make it bounce. Some can even make it clap like two hands. The best part of Ass is the strength. Some Asses can be soft like a pillow. Others can be hard enough to break your dick. When you see a girl wearing a thong or underwear, you want to smack that ass. It looks so good. When you see a girl with a big Ass, you want to tear that Ass up. You want to destroy it like it's a Supervillain. Those delicate butt cheeks are calling for a slapping. The dirty part of the Ass is the Asshole. Even though you can't see it when a girl is wearing clothes or underwear, you can only imagine.

Both Tits and Ass are important things in our world today. There should be a holiday honoring both. Until then, T and A reign supreme over everything, except Vagina. Hail T and A!


Big Wet Tits! Just how I like them.


Big Oily Ass. Yummy to my tummy.

Ann Coulter is the Antichrist!

This devil doesn't wear Prada. It can't afford it.

The Antichrist has finally arrived, and his name is Ann Coulter. This thin masculine middle age bitch thinks she's more perfect than God. She thinks everything revolves around her, and she never thinks she's wrong. Whether it's criticizing 9/11 widows, making Anti-Semitic remarks, or accusing all Muslims of being terrorists, Ann Coulter makes outlandish statements for the pure sake of shocking and appalling the public. I don't understand how a political commentator with a college degree can say so many stupid things. Some of the things she says appear to be jokes that aren't very funny. Ann Coulter is either trying to be a stand-up comic, or she really is just an idiot who knows nothing about politics or our society. Everytime I see him or her on TV, I want to take the Television set and throw it out the window onto a parked car. She talks more shit than Rev. Al Sharpton. I'm suprised nobody hasn't punched her in the face yet. If I were interviewing her, I would take a rock and smash her head with it. I would do everybody else a favor and shut this bitch up. She is currently doing the talk show circuit to promote her new book. Everyone should buy that book and wipe their asses with it. I'll buy her book, wipe my ass with it, and send it back to the publisher. Last week she was on Inside Edition making negative remarks about the Obama family. She said that the media kissed Obama's ass during the election and that's why he won. She also said that Michelle Obama is copying Jackie Kennedy Onassis' dress style. Ann Coulter doesn't seek to amaze me. All she wants is attention and that's exactly what the media continues to give her. Well I'm not giving this bitch any more attention on this blog. All I have to finally say is: Ann Coulter is a cunt!

Celebrity New Year Resolutions for 2009

Here are some New Year’s resolutions from your favorite celebrities for 2009:

Michael Phelps

1. Go into hiding and remain underwater until the 2012 Olympics in London.
2. Star as Aquaman in the Aquaman movie.
3. Sell my 8 gold medals on Ebay if I go broke from this bad economy.

Amy Winehouse

1. Get my Grammy award back that I gave to a local drug dealer for some crack.
2. Write a sequel to my hit song 'Rehab' titled 'Back to Rehab.'
3. Become an American citizen to party and get high with Lindsay Lohan.

Ashley Dupree

1. Apologize in person to Governor Eliot Spitzer’s wife and hope she doesn’t drop kick me.
2. Start a singing career and come out with an album nobody will ever buy.
3. Open my own brothel and call it Client 69.
4. Get President Barack Obama’s phone number.

O.J. Simpson

1. Escape from prison and kill the guy who framed me.
2. Find Nicole’s killers.
3. Make prank calls to the Goldmans.

Plaxico Burress

1. Carry around a toy gun so I won’t shoot myself in the leg next time.
2. Call the New York Giants and tell them to hold a spot for me in the lineup when I get out of prison.
3. Share a cell with Michael Vick.

Lindsay Lohan

1. Start acting in bad movies again.
2. Run over the paparazzi with the car from Herbie Fully Loaded.
3. Get married to my boyfriend Samantha Ronson.

Miley Cirus

1. Dump my relationship with the Disney Channel because I don’t need them anymore.
2. Become more popular than Britney Spears.
3. Get pregnant.

Sarah Palin

1. Strangle Tina Fey for ruining my chances as Vice President of the United States.
2. Star in my own talk show since Oprah doesn’t want me on hers.
3. Put Senator John McCain in a retirement home.
4. Show my daughters how to use birth control.

Tina Fey

1. Kidnap Sarah Palin and disguise myself as her to run for president in 2012.
2. Have Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan kicked off of 30 Rock so I can be the main star.
3. Buy NBC once I become a huge star.

Brangelina

1. Adopt more kids from all over the world.
2. Send a picture of our happy family to Jennifer Aniston to make her jealous.
3. Run for President and Vice President in eight years.

My Christmas Wish List

This year I want a lot of stuff for Christmas. I've made a wish list and I've sent a copy to Santa just in case. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was in high school. If the things on my wish list magically appear on Christmas morning, in my living room, I'll start believing in Santa Claus again. Until then, I'm still doubtful whether there is a Santa Claus, and I can only hope that I get what I've wished for. Here's my wish list for Christmas:

Million dollars

I could sure use a million dollars, especially during this recession. I would spend my million dollars wisely. I'd spend it on a mansion, girls, parties, and Pay-Per View. I would give to charity too. Maybe.

Helicopter

Having a helicopter would make my life so much easier. No more waiting for the bus. No more hour long subway rides. No more speed walking to a place I have to be in five minutes. I would just get into my helicopter and fly to to that place. I could also fly to other states. I would love to visit Hollywood. I could also make grand entrances at parties by landing my helicopter in front of the club. And then I'd get arrested.

Scarlett Johansson & Christina Milian

It's no secret that I love these two girls. I want to have a three some with both of them. And I want to get both of them pregnant....at the same time. Getting them for Christmas would be better than winning a million dollars.

New York Giants playoff tickets

The Giants are the best team in the NFL right now. They're going to the playoffs for the fourth year in a row and I want tickets. I've been to a Yankee game and a Knick game, but I've never been to a Giant game. I need to see the reigning Superbowl champs defend their title. Where's those damn ticket scalpers when you need them. If I do get the chance to go to a Giant playoff game, maybe Plaxico Burress will be sitting next to me watching with the fans. I hope he's not carrying a loaded gun this time.

DeLorean time machine

The car that Marty McFly used to time travel to the past in Back to the Future. I've always wanted one of these ever since I was a little kid. If I ever got this time machine, I would go back into the past and give Hitler an ass whooping of a lifetime. I would also go back in time and run over the 9/11 terrorists. I would also like to go back in time to meet Marilyn Monroe. Then I would have sex with her.

Times Square

I would love to have Times Square for one day all to myself. I could go buy some stuff, go eat, watch a play without tourists crowding the streets and blocking my path. And I wouldn't have to see the Naked cowboy playing a tune in front of me in his underwear. I would look at the buildings all around me and take a nap right in the center of Times Square. Hopefully a bird doesn't shit on my head while I'm sleeping.

Strip club

Times Square is home to a few strip clubs. Strip clubs are the best. They say dogs are man's best friends, no they're not. Strip clubs are man's best friends. The strippers at these clubs make you feel like a legend. They dance for you and perform magic tricks on your lap. I would love to have a strip club in my house. If I had one, I would never leave my house.

Super powers

Everyone wishes they had super powers. Super powers give you an advantage over everyone else. I've always wanted super powers ever since I was a toddler. I want to have x-ray vision, invisibility, or super strength. X-ray vision would allow me to look through girl's clothes. That would be better than watching porn. Invisibility would allow me to sneak into a Giants playoff game or a girl's apartment. Super strength would allow me to have sex for more than five minutes. Sex would last for hours. I'd be Superman!

Barack Obama coin

These Barack Obama coins are being sold everywhere. I've seen them advertised on infomercials, commercials, newspapers, and magazines. These coins are collectible items. I want one of these Obama coins. I want one so I can save and show to my kids in the future or sell it on eBay. Maybe that's how I can get a million dollars.

Xbox 360

This is the one item on this list that I know I'm definitely getting. The others are up in the air. Let's see what Santa thinks about my wish list: