Politicians can suck it

Last night I was trying to watch the news, but all they kept talking about was the primary elections. Fuck the primary elections and fuck these politicians. I don’t understand these politicians. Most of them are boring and uptight. They look like they never have any fun. For once I would like to see a fun, hip, and cool politician. I want a politician who listens to hip hop and rock music, and uses profanity in public. Wouldn’t you want to hear John McCain curse at one of his campaigns. Like, "If you motherfuckers vote for me, I’ll cut taxes when I’m president. Tax cuts for everybody, you sons of bitches." If one of the presidential candidates cursed like that, I would finally vote. I would love to see one of the candidates curse out another candidate. Like Barack Obama cursing out Hillary Clinton: "That bitch should be in the kitchen cooking pancakes, not campaigning for president. Fuck her, and her husband too." Then Hillary would retaliate and curse him back: "I don’t know who that uppity nigger thinks he is, but he better shut the fuck up or I’ll put my high heel up his ass. If I had a dick, Obama could suck it." If the candidates cursed like that, I would go to every primary election. I would buy tickets tomorrow. But they don’t, so they can suck it.

Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions for 2008

Here are some New Year's Resolutions from our favorite celebrities for 2008:



Britney Spears' New Year Resolutions:
1. Give the paparazzi a tracking device so they can follow me all day.
2. Go out and party and leave the kids at home by themselves watching VH1.
3. Show my little sister Jamie Lynn how to use birth control so she won’t get pregnant again.



Michael Vick’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Attend a dog show when I get out of prison.
2. Attend animal cruelty therapy.
3. Watch Scooby Doo and read Clifford the big red dog to get a better appreciation of dogs.



Lindsay Lohan’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Go back to rehab and learn nothing.
2. Make even more crappy movies and star in Herbie Fully Loaded II, III, and IV.
3. Get pregnant like Nicole Richie and the other girls.



Barry Bonds' New Year Resolutions:
1. Hide my Steroid collection in Roger Clemens' house.
2. Send the baseball committee some money so they can put me in the Hall of Fame without an asterisk.
3. Assassinate A-Rod so he won’t break my home run record.



Paris Hilton’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Do nothing like usual.
2. Adopt a child from Africa and auction him off on Ebay when I don’t want him anymore.
3. Star in a sequel to my sex video “One night in Paris.” The sequel will be called “It’s raining in Paris.”



Dog the bounty hunter’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Apologize 500 times to black people and Al Sharpton for saying the N word.
2. Get rid of the mullet.
3. Move the show to BET.




Hillary Clinton's New Year Resolutions:
1. Kick Obama’s ass in the primary elections.
2. Star as Mrs. Brady in the new Brady Bunch movie.
3. Divorce Bill once I become President of the United States.




Barack Obama's New Year Resolutions:
1. Kick Hillary Clinton’s ass in the primaries.
2. Send out a memo to all voters reminding everyone that I’m black.
3. Thank Oprah for her support by having sex with her…….in front of Stedman.




The New York Knicks' New Year Resolutions:
1. Move the team to the WNBA (They’ll play better against women than men).
2. Sign Isiah Thomas to a life long extension.
3. Sign people off the street to suit up and play.




Major League Baseball players' New Year Resolutions:
1. Burn the Mitchell report or wipe our asses with it.
2. Continue taking HGH because it’s not detectable in drug tests.
3. Get Steroids legalized.




Tyra Banks' New Year Resolutions:
1. Steal more of Oprah’s ideas
2. Have America’s Next Top Model filmed on an island, without food.
3. Remind my guests and audience that I’m more important than them.




CW Network’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Cancel Aliens in America.
2. Cancel all the shows on Monday Night.
3. Cancel the whole network.




O.J. Simpson’s New Year Resolutions:
1. Kill the guy who accused me of breaking into his room and taking memorabilia.
2. Sell bootleg NFL dvds to make money.
3. Write a book entitled “How to kill people and get away with it.”