Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Confessions and Revelations: A poem that rhymes



My parents are always looking in my room.
I wonder if there’s urinals in the girl’s bathroom.
I was on the bus and some lady pushed me out of the seat.
My mom still holds my hand across the street.
I met this girl that had a dad tattoo on her lower back.
Last Sunday I caught my church pastor smoking crack.
My dad used to drive me to school in his taxi cab.
My friend went to a rap concert and he got stabbed.
I used to have a crush on little red riding hood.
Am I the only one that thinks that baby food taste good?
My neighbor’s cat just gave birth to four little kitties.
My ex –girlfriend’s mom has some big ass titties.
There are some great female athletes like Serena and Venus.
But some of those WNBA players have a penis.
Paris Hilton is pretty but she’s the least of my worries.
One of my ex girlfriends tried to give me herpes.
When I’m in school I have to change my baby’s diapers every hour.
Who says it’s illegal to pee in the shower.
I’m taking steroids but I don’t think it’s working.
I just found out that my girlfriend is still a virgin.
I starred in an adult movie with a bunch of rookies.
Yesterday I watched Desperate Housewives with some milk and cookies.
In elementary school they wanted to put me in Special Ed.
In a public place babies shouldn’t be breastfed.
My girlfriend said she had an orgasm but I think she faked it.
I almost went blind when I saw my grandma naked.
These high school students are having sex with their teacher.
I’m a pimp because I get more girls than Derek Jeter.
Last night me and my friends were playing truth or dare.
My mom found a white stain in my dirty underwear.
I had a dream that I came to school without my pants.
I’m an A-cup and I want breasts implants.
I haven’t seen my father in awhile.
The police have informed me that my uncle is a pedophile.
I want to have a sex change and become a lady.
I’m not even supposed to be here because I’m a broken condom baby.
My mom and I don’t even talk.
I was raped while taking my dog out for a walk.
All my friends are computer hackers.
I only go to church for the wine and crackers.
I think my boyfriend is cheating but I’m afraid to ask.
Should I shave or should I wax?
My boyfriend always beats me up.
My alarm clock never wakes me up.
I went to this party last night and everyone was on ecstasy.
My girlfriend talks more on her cell phone than she does to me.
I like playing videogames with Sonic and tails.
I don’t pray, I send God e-mails.
I hate couples that make noise when they kiss.
Should I wear shoes or sneakers to the gynecologist?
I think I’m pregnant because my period is late.
I never feel guilty when I masturbate.
I found out that my girlfriend is not fifteen, she’s ten.
Hell is much more fun than heaven.
I did all the work I’m going to pass that class with an A.
He matches his clothes I think he’s gay.
This girl I like told me that she only likes girls.
Well I’m a lesbian too because I only like girls.
I got sunburn from sleeping on the beach.
I can get drunk even on Clorox bleach.
I hate it when I step on poo.
Innocent people go to jail too.
Girl, last night I rode him like a horse.
Our marriage is on the rocks, I want a divorce.
He’s picking me up tonight but I don’t know what to wear.
Come on, your not human if you don’t have butt hair.
This cold weather is making my nose runny.
A vending machine stole my money.
My husband is always burping, snoring, and farting.
I drink juice right out of the carton.
I vomit a lot so I can be lean.
I hate Bush, the president I mean.

Paris Hilton and her super skinny friends



Paris Hilton is a pretty girl but she has no ass. Her ass is flatter than a book bag. If you try to smack her ass, you’ll miss every time. “Damn it. I missed again. This ass is harder to hit than a piñata.” Every time I see Paris Hilton, she’s either on her cell phone or in a sex video. Now I’ve never seen her sex video but I’ve heard a lot about it. I heard all she does is lie on the bed like a statue and fake moan. I never want to see that crappy poorly made sex video. Who the hell wants to see a guy having sex with a skeleton (Paris Hilton). I sure don’t! Paris is super skinny. Her diet consists of paparazzi with extra sleaze. All the Hollywood girls are on the Paris Hilton diet - Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie. It’s pathetic. You got people in poor countries who are anorexic by accident. These Hollywood girls are anorexic on purpose. People in Mongolia are looking at Paris Hilton and these other skinny girls and saying, “These girls have a lot of food and they don’t want to eat it. That’s the crazy. If we had a lot of food around us, we’d be fighting over it.” Since Paris Hilton and these other girls don’t want to eat their food, we should go over to their house and steal their refrigerators. Then we donate it to UNICEF.

Whitney and Bobby divorce



Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are divorced…..finally. What took these two crack heads so long. They should have divorced after the day they got married. Their marriage was a disaster from day one. People warned Whitney not to marry that no talent bastard. But Whitney wouldn’t listen. Soon Bobby introduced her to his local drug dealer and Whitney stopped singing and started snorting. Their marriage was worser than Al Bundy’s. At least Al and Peg never did drugs and act crazy in public. Every time Whitney and Bobby were in public, they put on a show like Showtime at the Apollo. I loved watching their show too. There’s nothing better than watching two crack heads acting like crack heads on TV. Sometimes I missed an episode of “CSI” just so I can watch Whitney and Bobby. Now that Whitney and Bobby are divorced, we should ask ourselves a few questions like: Should we feel sorry for them? No. Should we be happy for them? No. Should these two crack heads be in a mental institution? Hell yeah!
Now Whitney wants to sing again. Nooooooo! Whitney Houston can’t sing anymore. The last time she tried to sing she sounded like Kermit the frog. And she was sweating like a basketball player after a playoff game. She hasn’t had a hit single since the war in Kuwait. I still think her marriage to Bobby caused that war too. Bobby is also working on an album. Oh boy. He hasn’t had a hit single since the days of Vanilla Ice.
You know who I feel sorry for in this whole ordeal, Whitney and Bobby’s drug dealer. That drug dealer has lost his two top clients. That drug dealer was making millions from Whitney and Bobby. Now he’s going to be making minimum wage. There’s a lesson to be learned from Whitney and Bobby’s marriage and divorce. Stay away from drugs and crack heads!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Screech sex tape



The sex tape industry has now reached a new low. That new low is the Screech sex video. When I first heard that there’s a sex video involving Screech, I forgot who Screech was. I thought Screech was that nerd on Family Matters. But then I realized that Screech was that other nerd on Saved by the Bell, which is even worse. I was shocked, not by the tape, but by the mere fact that a girl decided to have sex with Screech. Other than Screech, who the hell is going to watch this video. Not me! I don’t want to watch any video with Screech in it. I’d rather watch new episodes of Pokemon. Who would have ever thought that Screech from Saved by the Bell would come out with a sex tape. I always thought it would be Kelly or Mr. Belding. I was wrong. I wonder what Zack thinks about this. He was probably the one filming it. This is bad publicity for Screech. This is worser than the time he ruined Lisa’s fashion show. If Screech can make a sex video, anybody can make a sex video. Soon there might be a lesbian sex video featuring the Golden Girls.
Why did Screech have to sell a sex tape to make money? Why couldn’t he just sell an old lamp on Ebay like everyone else. I would have bought that old lamp. If this Screech sex tape sells more than the tickle me Elmo doll, this country has problems. Serious problems.